Burrito Dreams

I had a dream that I was establishing and running a taquería and it was going quite well. I don’t remember much else, but it’s all so odd because any other subconscious nocturnal ideation involving labor seemed to (almost) exclusively draw from past experiences in the food industry, which sadly did not include tacos or burritos or sopas or enchilladas or quesadillas.

But it did get me thinking.

There is a franchised chain of burrito places called Freebirds which is far superior to brands like QDoba and the indigestive Chipotle. There is a story of a Caucasian Christian woman who ran out of sour cream at her local Chipotle because she had ordered so much of it on her bowl, but then she got down and prayed to her Abrahamic God for more sour cream, and lo an behold the worker, who was coincidentally named Jesús, was able to find another tub in the back. At least it got her to stop what she was doing, and start cramming things into her prayer-hole instead. I didn’t hear her thank Jesús for the bounty she received.

But Freebirds is a most enjoyable experience, with singularly original and diverse options for the tortilla and its filling. This is not an endorsement, as I find it highly doubtful that you have one near you, and if you claim to, then I find your claims suspect. Dubious, even. I believe they may originate out of Austin, Texas, but any locations that branch outside of Tejas seem to close like a Doctor Strange portal — so if you do find one, enjoy it while it lasts! It may be the only place I’ve seen cayenne tortillas in the wild, or an adobo sauce at a chain, or the option for diced tomatoes with no onion.

If I were to ensure consistent taquería offerings of this like in my vicinity (or: hot toppings in your area), then I would have to undertake the laborious and cost-prohibitive process of opening my own small business (in this economy!)

What sort of choices would a consumer discover at my as-yet-unnamed-but-soon-to-be-killer-rad-taco-shop?

BASE

Customers would start by choosing the form of their destructor. This would be a burrito, a burrito bowl, a salad, soft or hard shell tacos, nachos, or a quesadilla. I think tortas or cubanos would also be good options, but obviously would have the correct bread and not a tortilla. I’m often vexed for lack of options, such are the tribulations of the modern, industrialized world.

The non-sandwich route would have you pick between flour or corn or gluten-free, with flavors such as blue corn tortilla (soft or hard shell), spiced cayenne red, spicy habenero orange, and green. Green tortillas often denote spinach, which is fine, but I think we can do better than that by infusing jalapeño or cilantro. The salad could also include tortilla strips as part of its base.

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PROTEINS

This is, of course, the real star of the show. While it’s actually quite easy to get protein, and no one should fall into the trap of thinking they need protein supplements or a protein-oriented diet (at the exclusion of other important foodmatter), as someone who enjoys both vegan and non-vegan varietals I would endeavor to keep all parties sated with both.

So far I’ve come up with: Plant-based Chorizo, Seasoned Grilled Steak, Plant-based Carne Asada, Seasoned Grilled Adobo Chicken, Plant-based Fried Chicken*, Slow Roasted Pork Carnitas, Plant-based Al Pastor, Seasoned Grilled Shrimp, Seasoned Grilled Fish (probably Flounder because it is so underrated).

The Cubano could have versions for ham, or a plant-based alternative.

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If you can’t discern from the pictures with 100% accuracy (as they are in no particular order) which of those proteins are animal-based and which are plant-based, then that makes you based.

RICE

Some places only give you one or two rice options, and treat it as filler with no panache or love. Like Chipotle, they hate rice. Their rice fields are full of slave laborers with their feet chained under the water, and regular arsenic cross-contamination. That’s why the distribution of cilantro is so uneven. Because they’re evil.

I can do their rice better, and include a few other alternatives: Cilantro-Lime white rice, Brown rice, Spanish rice, Blue Butterfly Pea rice, Golden rice and Cauliflower rice.

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BEANS

The king of all proteins, the humble bean, is the true hero of any Latin, Latine/LatinX, South American, Central American, Mexican or even Tex-Mex establishment. I could list dozens of beans, I love them so. But I did feel the need to limit myself to five so as not to overwhelm consumers with too many options. Beans are an excellent source of protein, but also fiber. They also keep you real regular. These are important qualities to have in a vital ingredient that not only is (nearly) universally beloved and comprises a great percentage of the meal, but also is a fantastic way to keep bean-haters out of the place. We reserve the right to refuse service to filthy bean-haters

Choose between: Black Beans, Pinto Beans, Red Kidney Beans, Refried Beans, Adzuki Beans, Scarlet Runners, or a mix. There is no option to have no beans at a taquería, as that would mean you are a monster to society.

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DAIRY

Cheese is chemically-addictive to human brains, as well as a few other species. It is essentially a habit-forming fatty drug with little to no nutritional value, and I will not apologize for being an addict. I do admit I have a problem, but that is precisely where that process of cessation ends. Here are five dairy options, and four vegan non-dairy ones. The Cubano would come with your choice of Swiss or vegan Swiss, even though Swiss is perhaps the most inferior of cheeses and must only be included in order to maintain the Cubano’s traditional integrity.

Shredded Sharp Cheddar-Jack, Shredded Vegan Cheddar, Shredded Pepper Jack, Cotija, Queso, Vegan Queso, Sour Cream or Vegan Sour Cream (for the honkeys). There is no reason to post images for some, because while they do taste different (at time of writing), vegan and non-vegan cheeses look nearly identical.

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VEGGIES

This would be your chance to really stand out. While others may have chanced upon the same combinations you have, thus far, it is so astronomically unlikely that someone will choose the entire complex combined ingredient list for their meal after you pick your way through this list of plants.

To fill out your burrito or tacos with some much-needed vitamins and fibrous material, decide which of the tastes suit your palate the most: Leafy greens, Cilantro-Lime Kale, Grilled Peppers, Grilled onions (for you freaks), Grilled Asparagus, Wood-fired Broccolini, Roasted Red Peppers, Fried Potatoes, Grilled Corn Salsa, Pico de Gallo, Diced Tomatoes, Diced onions (for the freakiest of freaks), Diced Jalapeños, Fresh Cilantro, Guacamole, Roasted Garlic, Tortilla strips, and of course, pickle availability for the Cubano. She’s picky.

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SAUCES

Now we come to the interesting bit. While the food preparation at my restaurants would guarantee flavorful, zesty, juicy ingredients, sometimes you want that little extra zing and wetness in your burrito.

I’ve researched and collated sauces from multiple other (similar) eateries, and have these to propose for your consideration:

Jalapeño Salsa, Green Chili Crema, Mojito Garlic Sauce, Hot Red Tomatillo, Mild Green Tomatillo, Fresh House Salsa, Enchilada Sauce, Lime Juice, BBQ Sauce, Spicy Ranch, Mole, Chili, and Mustard for that Cubano.

I’m not sure which would be the signature sauce, but that may be up to the culinary wizards I hire to formulate. I do already know a spicy salsa expert, come to think of it…

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SIDES

…and finally, the sides to your order that will thrill and fill and definitely not kill you. Some of these exist as filling options, but as you may want more of these delicious flavors on the side, or perhaps you foolishly did not include them in your order, they are also available here. Having them on here twice also means more efficient use of kitchen resources. We’ve got those classic border flavors, and a couple things not typically found at every stop.

Rice and beans (each of your choosing), Chips and salsa, Chips and guac, Chips and queso, Fried potatoes, Cassava chips, Yucca fries, and Churros.

If you even have room for them after the rest of the feast, these will complement your meal and add to your waistline without depleting your wallet.

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None of this is realistic, of course. Where would I get the seed money or investment capital? Why would I open this brilliant restaurant and not a hoagie shop or Hawaiian restaurant or wing joint? How would we keep so many fresh ingredients available daily? I don’t have reasonable answers or feasible solutions. I’m what you call, one of those, insufferable, ‘ideamen.’

If anyone would like to contribute to making this dream a reality, then.. I don’t know… go start it and I will be your biggest fan. I don’t even know what to name the joint. Something like ‘Big Breshvic’s Bold Burrito Collective’, but better.

In the meantime, have sweet Burrito Dreams.

*I’ve never understood the spelling of vegan chicken as “Chik’n”… as though this plant-based meat alternative is going to betray his sister and entire space empire in search of the M’Kraan crystal. We won’t serve that version.

Weighted and Healthy

I have previously advocated for a moderate lifestyle somewhere between diet freak and total decadence. Many disagree, and the cultural perspectives often do more damage than good, as with many idealized depictions of a false status quo. People seem all too eager to forget that there is a medical distinction between ‘overweight’ and ‘obese.’

Japan has a bipolar view, using Draconian punishment or discrimination against employers and employees for their percentages of body fat, while also glorifying the traditionally obese athleticism of Sumo.

There are undoubtedly many different types of fat, and science is learning and evaluating the risks and benefits of each. In fact, a recent study found that those drastically losing weight increase their risk of damage to the kidneys. In some countries in Europe, where a better grade of cooking oil is used than in the homogenized and processed U.S., no link was found to a diet of fried food and shorter mortality.

And as I (and brilliant minds such as Ron Swanson) have stated before, if you want to ruin your body with grease and calories, how is this any different than the risk taken by somebody who smokes, or drinks, or skydives, or joins the military, or works in law enforcement or fire emergency services?

(Ron Swanson is a fantastic icon in that, as an ardent outdoorsman and craftsman, he also endorses physical activity, sports and exercise.)

And ultimately, like polio or the black plague before us, we will gradually learn to overcome the perfectly contemporary threats of cancer, diabetes, and the (as-yet unproven) risks of GMOs, as mere artifacts of our time.

a Thin Veneer of Cheese

or: “Going on a Diet can Go to Hell”

Portion control is very difficult in first-world capitalist consumer-pleasure-dominated society. We can blame the corporations for shoving that delicious pie down our throat to keep us sated as they rob us blind. We can blame the post-WWII boomers who lived to revel in the excesses of sugary, delicious pie. We could even blame the pie for being delicious. In the end, it doesn’t matter. We live in the here and now with 300% of our daily caloric intake, and eating out at trans-fatty dollar-sign fast-foodatoriums.

There are several possible solutions, so let’s address them in no particular order, shall we?

1. Die.

You could die of heart disease (the number one killer according to the CDC), diabetes, or other complications arising from unhealthy American obesity. You’ve heard a lot of these facts and figures spouted again and again, and they don’t seem to affect your thinking too much, so here they are again. Dying is perhaps the easiest solution, though dying of these agents may not be as rewarding or exhilerating as, say, jumping off of the Queen Mary. If this is not our fate, then read on.

2. Attempt to lose weight.

Join a gym, prescribe exercises with calorie burning goals, drink nothing but juices, eat nothing but juices, cut out fiber, cut out sugars, cut out carbohydrates, cut out lipids, cut out proteins… and perhaps lose a few pounds. And though calorie counting is still the gold standard of scientific weight loss, there are other contextual considerations.

The problem is not really physical, but psychological. Statistics show that the simple act of making New Year’s resolutions, for example, almost guarantees that they will fail.

I once had a job transcribing for a nonprofit group whose goal had been to change the ‘built environment’ with a mind to ‘active living’ and ‘reducing obesity’ in urban populations. While this was perhaps a fine step in shifting the societal responsibility, it does little to change the manic bipolar attitudes towards weight: glamorize the anorexic fashion models, advertise the fattiest hamburgers, hype the latest diet craze, get the kids to watch TV after school instead of playing outside, censure McDonald’s menus and restrict their private enterprise, blame and marginalize the fat for being fat, raise the monthly rates at the gyms. The irony, of course, was not lost on me that I logged twenty hours of these nonsensical interviews whilst sitting my fat ass in my little-wheelied desk chair.

People often ‘hit plateaus’ in their weight loss plans. Or they lose a lot at first and don’t know why they can’t continue at that rate. Some people may never escape their body type, but still wish they were Victoria’s Secret model thin (*sigh*). More on this later.

“The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over, and then expecting different results.”

The most successful results come when you do not ‘go’ on a diet, but instead change your habits and your very cognition. As soon as you tire of those calorie counting, rice and celery juicing, overworking exercise regimens, you WILL put that weight back on, because you were looking at the light at the end of the tunnel the entire time. And that light was not just a single delicious slice of pie, but a return to the lifestyle that brought you such devastating misery in the first place. Which brings me to the third potentiality:

3. Alter your habits

There are plenty of things you can do to simply make better choices. As opposed to all those ‘diet fad’ books, I have found that the caloric swaps in David Zinczenko, Matt Goulding (authoritatively titled) Eat This Not That to be frighteningly enlightening and weight-lightening to boot. The restaurant guide in particular reveals what cultural change has done over the generations to slowly let us accept our meaty fate. You would be surprised how easily you can save a hundred calories or two from your diet by eating one specific greasy fast-food dollar-menu breakfast sandwich as opposed to another. It involves calorie awareness, but not necesarilly calorie counting, which I contend is inconvenient, and as such will probably not be a fail-safe sticking method for everyone.

Some foods even trick your brain and stomach into eating fewer calories.

And don’t be hydrophobic, drink water as much as possible! It’s better than any health shake, ‘detox cleanse’ bullshit, soda, coffee, beer, corn syrup juice, or sugar drink you can get. And doctors agree that there is no such thing as water weight (as much as getting two doctors to agree to anything is possible).

Here’s something you may not have put together (I know it came as a late revelation for me, and boy, did I feel stupid). Are you fat and broke? Well, there’s your problem right there. Of course, cutting down on portions is easier said than done. But preventing yourself from losing money is the greatest motivator, combined with losing weight and saving the planet, it may just be the winning combination you need.

There are numerous apps (most of them free) to keep your health on your mind.

An easy way to save money at that overpriced gym is to find a community college that offers phys. ed. classes for college credit. It’s possible to enroll for just that one class, and the monthly breakdown may end up being a fraction what one of those chains (and even the Y) charge. It may also be as simple as taking the stairs at work more often, or, if you take the elevator, doing your squats while you wait both on and off. And simplicity in exercise is often key.

There are websites entirely dedicated to saving you money on outings, activities, and group meet-ups. These are fun, and at least some of them are in line with your interests, but viewing them with an eye to being more active may give you that extra gumption to actually get out and do them. They’re cheap or cheap-as-free, so that chain gym won’t be getting any contractually obligated sum of your money, and they integrate fun, some skill you’ve been meaning to learn, and thus burn calories without you having to think about what a chore this whole calorie-burning thing might be.

These kinds of lateral moves will not only save you some money, but in doing so create a positive mental feedback loop that inspires and encourages you further.

And lest we forget, a rigorous and adventurous sex life is perhaps the best exercise regiment available.

4. Alter your philosophical outlook

How many fuckers do you know who say they are ‘so fat’ when they are ‘so not’? How do you feel when you haven’t quite made that health goal? Additionally, how will you know when enough is enough, without appearing to have some body dimorphism, harmful self-esteem issues, or gypsy curse? And isn’t the worst part about this whole weight loss thing when you’ve put your effort and time in, then fall into a few evenings of lounging instead of exercise (or perhaps as some reward), but then immediately feel guilt?

Don’t feel guilt, this is counterproductive. Likewise, don’t tell yourself that you’ve ‘earned’ this. You are still viewing it all as some external component of life that you engage in, what those alien fitness people allow you to temporarily engage in.

When you have a more platonic relationship with the universe (something I advocate anyway), you don’t care what society tells you about your body image or unhealthy habits. This doesn’t mean you lose all attachment to personal responsibility, just that you can gauge what is both productive physical time, and what is productive relaxation time. Wastefulness is your attachment to complaining, to worry, to stress, and to the labels that prevent you from fluidly being both the fitness-buff-and-couch-potato-in-one. It makes you a diverse person, and who doesn’t want to be that?

If you earnestly stop trying to make specific weight goals, while at the same time making good decisions on a regular basis, you will ingrain it into your being that health is a major motivator along with all the other rewarding and pleasurable activities in your life, you will escape the unfair expectations of a bullshit society and your own deceptive mind, and discover that vagueness can be liberating.

‘Laziness’ has gotten an unfair reputation, as our modern industrial world allows us more leisure than ever before, and people judge whether you spend it as an armchair sophist or benchpress hypertrophist. And let’s not forget the importance of sleep to your health! You most certainly burn calories while you slumber, and at the very least, any cheesecake you consume in a dream isn’t going to your hips.

A recent study suggests that people who are obese (barring other unhealthy factors) may live just as long as their skinny counterparts, and certainly longer than the stressed lives of those who continually attempt to lose weight and fail. It is important to remember that the BMI method is somewhat flawed, that only certain forms of obesity put you at high risk (such as belly fat), and that everything, including not just weight gain but weight loss, should be taken in moderation.

A new advocacy group and online community, Healthy at any Size, is based on the simple premise that the best way to improve health is to honor your body. Their website “supports people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being (rather than weight control). Health at Every Size encourages:

• Accepting and respecting the natural diversity of body sizes and shapes.
• Eating in a flexible manner that values pleasure and honors internal cues of hunger, satiety, and appetite.
• Finding the joy in moving one’s body and becoming more physically vital.”

And let’s face it, though it sounds like something your mother would say, it IS true; do you really want to date/hang out with/sleep with/gain the approval of people who judge you for your body type, anyway?

In the end (your fat rear end), the most important thing is deciding what is right for you. Spend some time thinking about it, and don’t try to give up cheese if you love cheese so VERY, VERY FUCKING MUCH. Moderation by mediation, by meditation, make bargains with yourself as to what your needs, wants, and not-so-needs-or-wants are. Make lists of each. You’d be surprised how much you would happily give up and not notice.

An Interesting Shade of Reality

I had quite an unusual spatio-temporal experience the other day most likely brought on by overheating during my lunch break (as evidenced by more than one co-worker commenting that I looked ‘flushed’). It was rather unpleasant, warmish, not altogether unlike being drunk, or as if on some weird drug. I wasn’t quite dizzy, but certainly disoriented (a distinction made clear by the WebMD app). I was able to perform my tasks and routines and sentences, but like some sort of automata, a simulacra, or philosophical zombie. Nothing felt quite like real life, and I remember asking those around me if they were uniquely thinking individuals, and pulling on my own beard to prove it wasn’t a dream, or a parody of reality, as if those were verifiable either way. Everything was strange, to say the least, and though obviously familiar, also alien and out of place, like in some extended deja vu.

Moving to the bathroom, I gulped cold water, splashing its coolness on my neck and face, making sure to wash my ears in the process. Things slowly returned to normal, and inasmuch as I can be said to have ever been, so did I.

Regardless, it was an interesting flavor of chemical brain consciousness, and I am happy to have experienced and recorded it, though I wouldn’t avidly repeat it any time soon.

We Are All Just Prisoners Here, of our Own Device

8/29/09ohwaitmylibrarybooksaredue.

Medical coverage, Media coverage, government coverups and cover songs.

And so many great examples of all of the above (or some of the below), how can I possibly cover it all? Is this even a potential reality in the realm of quantum physicality?!? Huh?? I saw how many busses go by before mine came in the right direction! I know my friends don’t have a cat, even if their neighbors and landlord thinks so! I’ve seen the movie you were referencing, I just forgot about it for a second! I know I am not invisible, no matter how odd that old lady on the bus acted around me. I see what’s going on here. And it’s suspicious.

So pull up the covers as we dive into and under and all-asunder yet another Stranger in a Strange Land.

PLAYLIST
Nero and Gladiators – The Hall of the Mountain King
Ben Folds – Golden Slumbers
Lord Sitar, Sandler & Young – Blue Jay Way Blackbird
Ska Cubano – Istanbul (Not Constantinople)
Magadog – Brown Eyed Girl
Toots & The Maytals – Take Me Home, Country Roads
Africa – Paint It Black
Gipsy Kings – Hotel California
Seu Jorge – Rebel Rebel
Bim Skala Bim – Sunshine Of Your Love
Incredible Bongo Band – In A Gadda Da Vida
Grand Funk Railroad – Feelin’ Alright
Nirvana – The Man Who Sold the World
Jimi Hendrix – All Along The Watchtower
Stevie Ray Vaughan – Superstition
Agent Orange – Pipeline
Suck – 21st Century Schizoid Man
The Doors – Backdoor Man
Wallflowers – Lawyers Guns and Money
Dick Dale – Third Stone From The Sun
Demon Fuzz – I Put A Spell On You
Ike & Tina Turner – Proud Mary
Isaac Hayes – Lay Lady Lay
Carlos Malcolm & Afro-Jamaican Rhythms – Bonanza Ska
Joe Cocker – Let’s Go Get Stoned
Primus – The Devil Went Down To Georgia
Johnny Cash – I Won’t Back Down
Apocalyptica – Wherever I May Roam
Wall Of Voodoo – Ring Of Fire
Rob Zombie – Blitzkrieg Bop
Fear Factory – Cars
They Might Be Giants – Lady Is A Tramp
William Shatner – Mr. Tambourine Man

Stranger in a Strange Land 2009-08-29: Prisoners Here of Our Own Device by The Stranger on Mixcloud

~The Stranger
thestranger@earthling.net

“Enjoy every sandwich”

You’re a New and Better Man

8/22/09

This show dedicated tonight to the drunken petite asian girl traveling home on the 22 bus as I was scheming on tonight’s show. Your Top-Ramen and poorly conceived Box Wine now slickly smattering the better half of that Muni vehicle inspired a lively investigation in the the Health care debate, from the crazy and outlandish to the truly strange and deranged; doctors, media, politicians, and gun-toting maniacs…

Sores, gore, and more on The Stranger in a Strange Land:

We’ve chosen a poor time to be this sick and twisted.

PLAYLIST
Mannheim Steamroller – Hall of the Mountain King
Bob Dylan – I Pity the Poor Immigrant
James Moody – Heritage Hum
The Adventures Of Robert Savage – Lonely World
10cc – Anonymous Alcoholic
The Temptations – I Wish It Would Rain
Coke Escovedo – I Wouldnt Change A Thing
Humble Pie – I Don’t Need No Doctor
The Beatles – Doctor Robert
Deltron – Virus
The Horrorist – Soul For Emptyness
Anti-Pop Consortium – Conspiracy of Truth
Ast0r – So What
The Residents – The Simple Song
Polaris – Waiting For October
Adam Green – Watching Old Movies
Soulfly – Scratch
Alice Cooper – I’m So Angry
The Hollies – Long Cool Woman
Gorillaz – Spitting Out the Demons
Frank Zappa – Artificial Rhonda
Billy Joel – The Stranger
Syd Dale – Number One Spy
Dispatch – The General
Chicago – 25 or 6 to 4

Stranger in a Strange Land 2009-08-22: New and Better Man by The Stranger on Mixcloud

~The Stranger
thestranger@earthling.net

*you don’t have to declare yourself mentally unstable as a pre-existing condition round these parts, but it helps!

Arrogantly twisting the sterile canvas snoot of a fully-charged icing anointment utensil…

7/4/09
The Stranger returns triumphant after taking last week off: white blood cells having fought back the dark forces of evil, proving that even the Stranger is, at the very least, human. His internet also broken either coincidentally or in a fit of mutant power outrage, yet no swine flu could keep him imprisoned from these Fourth of July celebrations! Takin’ it easy on the voice tonight but with round pear-shaped tones at the ready, plenty of music and news topics, audio fun and quirks from the dark heart of the internets for you…

PLAYLIST
The Mysterions – In The Hall of the Mountain King
Gil Scott-Heron – Third World Revolution
Booker T & The MG’s – Melting Pot
Gorillaz – We Are Happy Landfill
Beastie Boys- Hey Fuck You
Chad Muska – Ghetto Funk
Babe Ruth – The Mexican
Power Of Zeus – The Sorcerer Of Isis
Tom Waits – Jesus Gonna Be Here
Serge Gainsbourg – En Melody
Smith – The Weight
DJ Shadow – Uncle Albert / Admiral Halsey
Michael Jackson – Thriller
Rush – The Necromancer
Spike Jones’ New Band – Harlem Nocturne
Arlo Guthrie – Motorcycle Song
Thievery Corporation – Samba Tranquille
Emerson, Lake & Palmer – Toccata
Frank Zappa – Muffin Man

~The Stranger
thestranger@earthling.net

*awaiting the messianic return of zombie Michael Jackson, pump-action shot-gun at the ready…

For the internet

Sometimes things disturb me greatly, to the very core of my bone marrow’s being, (which is where your being be), and the sick snot of reality lightly grazes my soul and causes an involuntary electric shudder along the stiffening tinker-toy discs of my galvanic spine. For the sheer fear of accepting their allowance into a coincidental existence with myself, I have not shared certain events with the fragile minds and ears of others. This, dear friends, is what the internet is for.

1. An overlarged woman in her decaying years walks along the road, pulling along behind her violently a leashed little Dachsund®: a tiny phallic dog unfortunately endowed with an equally comical erect phallus, now pointed straight forward and dragging, nay, digging deeply into the coarse sidewalk before him. Was I mistaken? Or did I see a dark streak of dickblood slicken along the pavement behind? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

2. While at work, a woman impatiently demands that I check the bathroom (where I had hoped to only check my own reflection for its continued awesomeness), for her teenaged son taking longer than usual. I hesitate, wondering if this is part of my job description in the interest of customer service, and lamenting my decision to opt for this, the closer bathroom. I agree, and soon discover that she has neglected to mention three important facts. One; that her son is mentally handicapped. Two; that he was going number threes. And three; that he will not only respond, but in fact will present himself to any person who calls his name.

3. A man so obese as to warrant the purchase of a muumuu waits for the light to change, leaning laboriously against a straining crooked cane, impishly small and ill-suited to its utility. Today: Wednesday, I’m told, he has chosen perhaps his most spectacular muumuu. Electricity-acid traffic-cone photon orange. His corpulence reflects upon the ground beneath him as he tugs sloppily at the frozen convenience store drink through a double-wide straw. His waiting is in vain, he could surely move along the street with traffic, indistinguishable from construction vehicles and smallish cement mixers.

4. And finally, surely most disturbing of all, the fifth of six bathroom sinks is adorned with a sign that reads: “Out of Order, Sorry for the Inconvenience: Please See Our Information Desk on the Third Floor for Assistance.” Somewhere in the Westplain Mall, there is hired help, most likely hourly, one of whose main functions is to assist visitors easily confused and frightened by the anxiety-inducing broken sink two floors down near the food court.

Bleeeee-arrrrgh!

I was really sick this past week. I think I’m over the worst of it now, but oh man! That was NOT fun. I really like this part the best though, when you feel good enough after being sick to really appreciate what it feels like to not be so sick any more.

All weekend I stayed in my bed with some cough drops, wet washcloth, orange juice, my robe (like the one Alan Alda had in M*A*S*H), and my teddy bear, which is NOT a koala bear. He was just born that way. Then I watched a lot of Arrested Development, listened to jazz, and made some long-awaited phonecalls. I feel better now. That incessant cough is no more than a little mucous lump in my epiglottis.

Now I have even more catching up to do in my classes. Oy ve.

I am a posting whore

I AM a posting whore. Whore is a good word. I do not know why it offends people. I think I have gotten myself into more trouble over the word whore, be it at work, the classroom or the bedroom, than any other word I know. Except possibly cuculoris, which only SOUNDS dirty.

I channel George Carlin: SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT MOTHERFUCKER COCKSUCKER and tits. Huh. Maybe George Carlin just has Turret’s.

So, yes, I feel much better today than yesterday, which is why I am posting so close together; to clarify, I am not medically tortured, nor am I suicidal or manically depressed or especially paranoid. I suffer from a condition much worse called philosophy anxiety. It is an inability to commit to any one constant and concrete worldview for 24 hours at a time. Sometimes I’m very monist, sometimes I’m deist, other times I’m very evolutionary, and quite often I sadly find myself a nihilist.

I discuss metaphysics with a nihilist, I find his views very limited. I discuss the meaning of life with the King of the Zombies and I discuss ethics with a drug dealer. Then you look at my family and it’s no wonder I’m fucked up.

Ethics; I lie to people. But I don’t do it for political, relationship, or monetary gain, though that’s no excuse. In fact, I never lie to people when it severely hurts them or benefits me. I just enjoy pulling the wool over people’s eyes for harmless yuks. I take after my grandfather, who, as my grandmother put it “would rather crosst the street and clumb a tree to tell a lie than to stand whur he was and tell the truth.” She said things like ‘worsh’ and ‘clumb’. Grandpappy told me that the white streaks of lime on the side of rocky outcroppings was polar bear piss. He told me there was a two-headed little-kid-eating alligator in his tomato garden to keep us from going in there.

Backstory; My friend Kane was working at Tommy’s Diner, and of course he constantly hit on all the girls who worked there, except for the one woman who made his life there a living hell. Shortly after quitting, he found a flower and gave it to one of the girls. Later, when I was relating this story to friends of mine, we… ’embellished’ a bit. We said that he had given flowers to ALL of the girls. Then he blatantly snubbed the woman he hated, refusing her a flower. Then we said that he mooned everybody at Tommy’s. This was all in good fun, except that the story started to spiral out of control in the rumour mill, cycling to all the outer spheres of friends we knew. Harmless fun? Marginal.

This other time, the Zombie King and I were hanging out in the parking lot behind Station Square, because he had wanted to show me all the road signs and picnic benches that were just sitting there. Now, he had only been back there once, with ‘Uncle’ Tim (he’s not really anybody’s uncle), to see these, and I had never been. Nonetheless, when we saw our friend Jacob on the other side of the chain-link fence on his bike, we called they/them over.

J: What the fuck are you guys doing back here?
B: We always hang out back here.
J: What? Why?
ZK: Dude, there’s benches!
(pause)
J: Oh, okay.

This sort of thing is recurrent, it’s episodic, it’s annoyingly compulsive. I’m not really upset with this little personal failing, I just have to add it to my long and ever-growing list of things to work on about myself. Trust me, there are things higher up on the list… like knuckle-cracking, arrogance and exhibitionism. I’ve also been toying with the idea of altering my eating habits.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fight a Peruvian force of jungle warriors as they threaten to destroy the Commerce Area. Zhoom!