I haven’t posted in a while, let’s catch up on (na na nanana) good times…

Tiger Kills Man at San Francisco Zoo on Christmas no less!

Long story short (because I have a lot to say about it, go read the articles)Three guys get mauled by an escaped tiger at the zoo, police respond. It is dark. They move in on the tiger, which moves in on them. They fire. Tiger dead. One of the guys dead. Two others in stable condition. Mayor Gavin Newsome ‘deeply saddened.’

So it is thought by the police that the ‘victims’ were ‘playfully’ taunting the tiger by dangling their foot over the wall, as police found a shoe and some blood in between the barriers (though I’m sure the city’s best detectives are still confused at what this actually means). Then, the tiger ‘accidentally’ escaped. These are words mostly from articles I’ve read. Here’s the skinny: the word ‘Victims’ implies some guy was just walking around, maybe at the mall, and then a tiger jumps out of the G.Thanks and eviscerates him. Maybe that guy was just fired, or dumped by his longtime girlfriend, I don’t know. ‘Playfully’ implies that the people dangling their feet over the wall weren’t aware that a tiger is three-hundred pounds of hell-fury on claws. And ‘accidentally’ escaped implies that the tiger didn’t escape on purpose, with some ease, because the zoo apparently is full of idiots.

Which brings me to further scathing indictments: Where were the zoo workers with their tranquilizer guns in the twenty minutes before Tatiana the tiger was being pumped full of lead? Couldn’t they have at least tased her, bro? And now evidence is coming out (though I didn’t read this, the source was my mother, who quotes the source as the “National Zoo Enclosure… uh… Association”) that the dimensions of the tiger habitat, the wall, and barriers were all incorrect. If there’s any veracity to this statement, then bravo. Way to cut corners… on the TIGER CAGE! We’ll use all our best materials and architectural savvy on the flamingo exhibit, but don’t worry too much about the tigers, they’re harmless little fuzzies!

The police now call that area of the zoo a ‘crime scene,’ raising the question of whether the tiger, if it had lived, would have gotten a fair trial in a court of law. Echoes of Oswald. The mother of one of the ‘victims’ said “Our Christmas is with him,” she said. “No.. more.. Christmas.”

Every article you read is also going to reiterate that this ‘killer tiger’ has a history of violence, the terrible maneater! It attacked its poor widdle zookeeper last year, lacerating an arm. The zoo was fined by the city, and the keeper was denied recompense from the city, (which doesn’t make a lot of sense but I’ll leave that for now). All in all, judging this dead tiger after the fact to shift blame away from the living, because we find the actions of an animal to be morally reprehensible in our society(end in question mark?) There’s even an article titled Did This Tiger Hold a Grudge?. Though some parts of the article seem to excuse the tiger for being a tiger, the title is misleading an inappropriate, something the article even admits further down the page.

The very utility of a tiger is maul and attack things! That, and like all other life: make more of itself. In this case, more tigers to maul and attack things! Do we get mad at pie when it is delicious? Do we self-righteously judge our ceilings for keeping rain off of us? Or is it the same indignation and frustration we have when men are stubborn and when women are irrational? Accepted functions of the subjects in question, but certainly not as desirable as delicious pie. And tigers are no exception!

Perhaps then it is the role of the tiger in THIS incident that changed its intrinsic qualities. That is to say, by putting the tiger in a zoo, we hold it to a different standard. True, if I had read that in farthest India, a tiger was dragging off the children of a small town to devour them, then clearly that tiger must be put down, as a matter of survival on our part. However, humans put this tiger in this zoo. Humans were *supposed* to control the environment, if certainly not the tiger itself. Humans have access to higher brain functions than, as yet, primitive beasts do. If anything, we should be exonerating this tiger based on these conditional factors.

So the clear answer to why the humans are going to be faultless as we can allow, and the tiger as faulted as such, is that we hold humans (who now number 6.6 billion) in higher value of life or esteem than Siberian tigers (who now number about 400). There’s a basic economics principle that doesn’t quite hold here, and I’m at a loss to explain. Then again, I’m the person who, after Virginia Tech, told people at school and work that all of those people ‘lost’ including the shooter, because they’re dead and I’m not. Maybe video games have conditioned me, perhaps it was thousands of years of death-instinct-culture, but then why am I bothered by this incident? I’m still alive, the tiger’s not. It loses, I win, right? Maybe its the same conflicting sense of injustice I have for Mumia Abu-Jamal, or anyone killed while in police custody.

Now, I think a lot of things are ‘lame’. Babies; they’re just dumb little retarded people who don’t know anything and can’t carry on an interesting conversation. Talk to me when you’re seven. Birds: They’re even dumber, abuse their gift of flight by crashing into windows, shit on whatever they feel like, carry disease, and all around suck. And cats are lame because just when you start to really like them they die of acute kidney failure, and then the vet loses the blood tests too explain why, or in this case, get dropped by the m*th*rf*ckin’ 5-0. So maybe that has something to do with it.

I’m all for killing animals. If there’s a lot of deer in your hometown, and you really like venison, and feel like wasting money on a little laminated card, then by all means, Oregon Trail it up. And I am a strong opponent to Peta and vegans everywhere, as I understand that the role of a pig in our society is to be eaten, and very little else. Most food animals would not exist in such successful proliferation if it weren’t for the fact we were going to eat them. If all the humans died tomorrow, these animals would have a great statistical advantage over animals in the wild, though probably just as many domesticated handicaps.

And I for one, think that we wasted our time all those thousands of years domesticating dogs and cats and, to a lesser extent, useless ferrets. Though an arbitrary point now, it would seem to make more sense to have tigers protecting your house than Irish Setters, to farm manatee meat instead of cows, and (my personal favorite), to walk your rhinoceros down the street instead of your pit bull. I want my rhinoceros! And a pandasteak, too!

But perhaps the real reason I’m upset is that the night of December 24th, I had a dream that a tiger was escaping from the zoo, and then I was eaten alive by a hippopotamus.

Now I’m going to watch some “Planet Earth.”


2 responses to “I haven’t posted in a while, let’s catch up on (na na nanana) good times…

  1. and just one more thing, ma’am
    On Thursday (the 27th) there was a girl killed at an intersection in San Bruno by a Muni bus. The 9x to be exact, the bus I ride to work each day. Though six people this year have been killed by city buses (as opposed to ONE tiger slaying), and that was the second incident THAT morning at THAT intersection resulting in an injury, the news is still replete with stories about the tiger. The city is filing no charges or citations against Muni, or anyone for that matter. The news is largely ignoring this death, which raises some points/concerns/questions/comments…
    1. Tiger death will always trump bus death. Count on it.
    2. Which is more stupid: to taunt a tiger in a cage, or to walk out in front of a city bus off of the crosswalk? That question was not intended to make a point, I sincerely do not have the answer. Perhaps it is that death-instinct that drives us…
    3. Is Gavin Newsome ‘deeply saddened’ about this incident as well? And if so, maybe he just has a chemical imbalance and doesn’t even read the news.
    4. This city is such a liberal quagmire that it eats its own head. They’re striving to be so ‘antizoo,’ (a concept so alien in stupidity that it confounds me still) and pro-public transportation, that blame shifting will certainly find its way back to the zoo directors for every death in the next month or so anyways. One article read, “this is how they will be remembered.” I dunno, I guess the Muni system looks bad on a daily basis, while people usually think of a day at the zoo as… well, a day at the zoo. I for one think that moving masses of tons of metal require more scrutiny than an isolated instance in a controlled environment. But what do I know? And plus, shouldn’t at least one of these liberals point out that buses pollute slightly more than tigers?
    5. “It’s a Zoo Out There.” That’s an actual newspaper headline. God, I wish I’d been attacked by a tiger. Or hit by a bus. Or hit by a bus full of tigers, driven by a really smart tiger.
    6. Jurassic Park, much?
    7. I actually have a pact with my cousin that, since we had to watch our noble grandfather wasteaway on a death bed, each of us would step in front of a city bus at the age of fifty. He is eight years older than me. I don’t expect to have to do this.
    8. However, I have stated that if I ever come down with some terrible terminal illness, then I will fight a shark to the death.
    9. “Zoo officials have forbidden employees from talking about the mauling.” That’s sort of a tall order, don’t you think? In any event it may be my new favorite quote.
    10. Why didn’t they shoot the city bus?
    Finally, as of now, I have decided to live in a parallel fantasy reality where the tiger lived, killing several of the hesitant police officers before being brought down humanely with tranquilizers, and now resides in a private animal reserve. What effects this will have on the rest of reality around me, I do not know. But it will help me sleep better at night. ‘Nuff said.

  2. Pingback: a Thin Veneer of Cheese « Absurdist Noir

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