People tend to impose their tastes on others, outrageously insulted that you would dare dislike something they find so delicious or popular. They simply can’t understand why you won’t change your mind, taste buds, or every fiber of your being to enjoy what they enjoy. This is especially visceral when it comes to foodstuffs, as every foodie populist or connoisseur elitist has a seemingly intractable opinions of how flavinoids should affect everybody. Their indignance, I fear at times, borders on the psychopathic; such that someday some fascist may round up all the non-Brussel-sprout-eaters and march them into the death camps once and for all.
A little hyperbolic, sure, but I prefer to arrive at my own irrational choices, thank you. Harmless and meaningless, they are not dictated by any ideological preference (such as vegans or locavores) nor any allergy (such as gluten-free or nuts). Speaking of nuts, one reason people may not take kindly to your opinions may be because they feel it attacks or denigrates the validity of their own, or rejects them personally. Weak.
So over time, my tastes have refined and/or expanded; where I once refused vegetables, I now enjoy the occasional salad, where I once despised the taste of beer I have since acclimated to it, and where I once went for the spiciest of wings on the menu, I now prefer to actually taste my food.
Here are my top five most despised flavors, in descending order.
Onions definitely hold a special place of hatred in my heart.. or whatever organ determines hate.. probably the gall bladder.
I’ve never been partial to them, despite the insistence of others, and their existence in just about every Goddamned recipe. I don’t know if it’s their simultaneously slimy-and-crunchy consistency, their pungency, or their eye-wateringly badness, I just can’t do it. Sure, if someone cooks me something, I won’t be so ungracious as to refuse them, but neither will I hesitate to wait the extra twenty minutes to get my Crave Case without onions.
My total stubbornness may have descended from my days working at the Sandwich Shoppe, as a rookie Sandwichsmithee (long before holding the title of Patron Saint of Sandwichmaking) I was relegated the stenchy task of peeling and slicing 1-2 buckets of these nasty, noxious nuggets.
Strangely, the onion’s erstwhile cousin, garlic, has got to be in my top five foods, if not number one of all time. All time! Go figure.
I find black licorice disagreeable in particular (racist). Its status as candy is dubious, and its relationship to red licorice is unfortunate. I’m not a big fan of either, but while I could stomach the red vines, I shudder at the thought of that slick, twisted ebony foulness reaching my mouth. This hereditary abhorrence comes down from my grandmother, but I know from talking to people that licorice of any kind is not a commonly well-liked food. Most people avoid anything but the red stuff, and even then do not hurry to its defense. Still, you will meet the occasional weirdo who proselytizes a fervent dedication to black licorice. Shun them.
So many people on the planet adore coffee, sometimes I feel like “Rowdy” Roddy Piper in They Live! My father used to make and drink an entire pot of coffee while performing his morning routine, then make another to take with him in a thermos on the way to work, only to drink Lord knows how much while at work. I’ve been made to understand that this is not exactly abnormal for coffeeholics. I find no small irony in the idea of waking up at four in the morning to put a pot of wretched black coffee on in order to get the caffeine necessary to begin the day. And apparently, I’m the crazy one.
I find coffee to be unremittingly bitter, massively gaseous, and biliously vile. It’s dark aroma of complex nuttiness and vaporous undertones of earthiness can only be described in a single word for me: ‘bletch!’
The residue it leaves in my mouth whenever I have given in to peer insistence and tried a new variety (‘you just haven’t tried the right kind, yet!) is parallelled only by my equal and appropriate hatred of the word ‘residue.’
Don’t mistake me, I do enjoy caffeine. Whatever life expectancy and health benefits I would have derived from denying myself coffee have been reasonably obliterated by my love of soda.
While the breath fresheners, tooth whiteners, and pillow adorners of the world have pushed this idea of ‘minty freshness’ on us, I recoil in frustration. I try to find alternatives; fruity gum, orange toothpaste, cinnamon mouthwash, or even just a shiny new apple a day. But the ubiquitous nature of nature’s fresh-maker makes me feel… not so fresh.
I’ve been told, as with many of the items on this list, that it is an acquired taste. But why bother acquiring a taste you find so distasteful?
I don’t relish the biting sting or mouthy leafiness of mint, and I can’t believe that some poor, misguided fools would pair it with chocolate, ice cream or Jell-O. Ridiculous. Idiotic. Fucking pathetic.
Kill it with fire.
Nuts are one of those types of foods people can never seem to agree on. Some people hate the hazelnuts and love walnuts, while others swear by brazil nuts and eschew chestnuts. Diversity in opinion abounds regarding pine nuts, pecans and pistachios, whereas the fatty macadamia is often heaped with adulation. We all seem to agree on cashews and peanuts, which are not really nuts but legumes. Allergies notwithstanding.
Almonds are the devil.
Not only is it a shameful slap in the face of one of history’s greatest American heroes, George Washington Carver, but also one of mankind’s oldest foes. Almonds were originally toxic to our mortal form, synthesizing as cyanide in our frail bodies. Only through random genetic mutation and careful horticultural selection were the dangerous and evil pods tamed to their present form. Seething in their dry bitterness, the wrinkled old malefactors silently await their revenge, encroaching and infesting every innocent salad and unwitting bridge mix.
It is only a matter of time before they learn to kill again.
DISHonorable Mention: Circus Peanuts
Circus peanuts, (more commonly known as ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT??’) are not an official list item of my Most Hated Foods, based solely on the technicality that they are not actually food. Owed the singular distinction of being the only consumable more disliked by humanity than ‘Candy Corn’, it shares with it the same inexplicably inaccurate naming. Despite being vaguely molded to look like a moldy old peanut, they are the same pale orange as some medical scrubs, PAAS eggs, or weird cardboard, all of which adequately give you an idea as to their flavor as well.
You can chew it, but it doesn’t ever get chewed.
Somehow, this material was marketed to children by perverted sadists as something they should put in their bodies. Luckily, no child will willingly eat them, and only 90-year-old great-grandmothers find them palatable, out of some misplaced sense of nostalgia. Back during the Depression Era, you see, you either ate cardboard or you starved.
More astoundingly, if you cut them into tiny shapes and then douse them in milk with cereal, they become tolerable, downright edible if artificially flavored somehow.
Of course, we all have our preferences to varying degrees. There are certainly dishes and flavor combos that I find undesirable or even repellant as well, and I must confess that I’ve not much a sweet tooth. I don’t indulge in chocolate for chocolate’s sake, but rather as a trace or hint combined with some other culinary creation. All in all, you’d find me a fairly easy person to order pizza with, amenable as I am to everything from pepperoni and sausage to pineapple and anchovies. I’ve a weakness for savory snacks and filling proteins, rich smoothies and light pastries. I’m as open-minded as they come, and in all honesty will not insult my host should they unknowingly happen an inclusion of those foods I hate.
But oh, how I fucking hate them.