Tag Archives: critic

If adventure has a name, surely, it must be… well, adventure. Because it does have a name.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal SkullTM offers us references to the previous movies, a Harrison Ford back in shape for the role, fan service, few modern and flashy digital effects, follows a structure reminiscent of the prior trilogy, and thus begs the question: Was this really necessary?
George Lucas promises that this installment of his beloved movie franchise won’t disappoint, and he’s certainly an expert in not disappointing when it comes to expanding a beloved movie franchise.*
Steven Spielburg promises it will be better than his magnum opus, ‘Munich!’TM
With tie-ins from DKTM, Burger KingTM, LegoTM, Del ReyTM, XBoxTM, Random HouseTM, DisneyTM, Dark HorseTM comics, Hallmark CardsTM (a subsidiary of Doom, Inc.) and Hasbro®, this classic blockbuster of film history is sure to maintain the integrity we remember from our wonder years… get by with a little help from my friends. And Transformers’TM Shia Lepoof is in it! TransformersTM was nothing but one big commercial, so it was true to its source material!
I don’t know what I’m really more upset about, the bastardization of my childhood iconic hero Indy, or of the crystal skulls. The repercussions are much worse in terms of the ancient powers, who have better litigation attorneys and death-beam eyes. I really don’t want everyone who attends or even downloads the movie to be cursed for all eternity, the Earth engulfed in otherworldly flame, that burns not the skin, but the very soul.
An extra in the film, Tyler Nelson, violated his nondisclosure agreement with ParamountTM when he tried to leak key plot points. SPOILERS NOT AHEAD, however, as the bulk of his smuggled information is limited to “I’m totally in the new Indiana Jones movie! You can find me in there somewhere. Me, Tyler Nelson!”
And this, from the newswire agency wikipedia:
A number of photos and sensitive documents pertaining to the film’s budget were stolen from the director’s production offices. An official reported the missing items to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department on September 24, 2007. Spokesman Marvin Levy said the director was concerned that the thieves would try to sell the materials and on October 2, the people believed to be involved in the burglary sent out e-mails to several entertainment gossip websites offering to sell the images. According to IESB, TMZ.com obtained some of the stolen property and was on the verge of running the story on its TV division until ParamountTM lawyers stepped in. After ParamountTM was notified about the emails, they contacted sheriff’s investigators. A member of the online press helped the detectives by posing as a potential buyer and setting up a meeting in West Hollywood. When the seller arrived, he was arrested on suspicion of receiving stolen property On October 4, Roderick Eric Davis, age 37, was charged with one felony count of receiving stolen property. He later pleaded guilty to two felony counts and will serve two years and four months in jail
The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department (whuUAAH?) can catch these guys in the two days that they were attempting to sell the stolen items, but child rapist-murderers roam free in the streets! Why? Just because they are children? Maybe the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department needs to spend less time on the treasure-hunting adventurers stealing from films about a treasure-hunting adventurer, and more time stopping children from committing horrendous acts of rape and murder! You gotta manage your time, better, mans! Don’t micro-manage! Strengthen and diversify your actualized proselytizing synergy statement!
Do you see what I did there? I retroactively scapegoated Steven Speilburg for some terrible crimes he had as little control over as you or I. This type of blind insinuation is a great debate tactic, right above calling someone a “doo-doo ca-ca-head,” but well below “what? I’m sorry, we can’t understand stupid.”
For example: if you wanted to imply that your opponent (or in this case an innocent Hollywood director) was in league with National ZocialistsTM without citing nonexistent hard facts, or outright invoking Godwin’s LawTM, then you could say something to the effect of, “Sure, Mr. Spielberg can craft an excellent biopic chronicling the persecution of the Jewish peoples by the nazis, but where was he when they really needed his help? Nowhere. The nazis had to do it on their own.”
For the record, I don’t actually believe that Steven Speilberg and (to a lesser extent) George Lucas are in any way associated with any neo-nazi groups. In their defense, their entire movie careers have been dedicated to the building of episodic tomes in defense of oppressed peoples. Oskar Schindler, before he harbored huddled masses of Jews yearning to be free, protected an entire planet from the threat of an evil Trade OrganizationTM. Of course, this did get us entrenched in a seemingly endless galactic war, culminating in the totalitarian takeover of an evil despot. Indy, meanwhile, fights against the nazis, though it is ambiguous as to whether he does this for personal gain, or the same chivalry that allowed him to free starving children from a bloodthirsty cult.
I do not mean this to be taken as a metaphorical indictment of the Bush administration, HalliburtonTM and its subsidiary, BlackwaterTM. Though by mentioning it where it might not have been apparent, I have purposefully drawn the interesting comparison in your mind’s eye. Another excellent debate technique.
And for the record, I do not believe that ‘innocent’ and ‘Hollywood’ can be placed next to each other in the same sentence this way. Just ask Jayne Mansfield.
And… hmmm.. yes… yes, I managed to misspell Stephen’s name every whichway but tango, that oughta cover all the bases.
*Mesa think, anyway.
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Less people are scrutinising you than you may think…

I was surprised to discover this quite some time ago. I realize it again now as I sit in a computer lab writing on Livejournal and alternately (or alternatively) reading http://www.dieselsweeties.com .

That being said, I’ve found that a few other people may need to know it, too.

And I’m going to continue to believe it until some unmarked white government van pulls up and puts me in a sack and demands to know why I don’t floss regularly, use my teeth to trim my nails, and why I spend so much time in the bathroom *anyways*. (Hey, you don’t keep long, beautiful hair without a little work, you know). I’ll ask the government agents ‘what, exactly, is it to them?’ And then they’ll say that they keep regular tabs on everyone, and that they ARE scrutinising you as much as you may think. Dozens of hundred of them. Like telemarketers, but slightly more judgmental. And with nicer headsets. ‘Cuz I did the telemarketer thing and let me tell you, you can’t hear shit. So if the government uses those then they aren’t getting much accomplished. Patriot Act it up, then. Then the government agent will tell me that I’ve been rambling again and I’ll apologize and he’ll tell me that I have a history of going into such tangents, least of which being on livejournal, and also that I sometimes apologize for things that I don’t need to, and I’ll apologize for this. Then they’ll tell me to stop eating fried food, to stop being so caustic to my friends, that if I skip another class unwarranted ‘I’m really going to get it,’ and who the fuck do I think I am wearing a Hawaiian shirt, because I was only there for three years. They’ll kick me out of the back of the van near an unfamiliar Dairy Queen, and I’ll go inside to get some Sherbet. But I’ll think twice about toppings, and I’ll look around nervously as I turn down the second scoop.

Until that happens, I think its safe to say that when people ask me where I’ve been all night, or *who* I’ve been with all night, or where exactly my money goes, I can just tell them Nunya.

Nunya Biznazz!