I met a doppelgänger of mine from a parallel dimension today on my lunch break. He didn’t explain how he managed to end up in our worldline (it never came up, I only get an hour!) but it did become evident fairly quickly that I was the evil one for several reasons, not the least of which being that he DIDN’T have a beard.
We spoke the same language, though his accent was indescribably different, and we had trouble communicating on some odd, conceptual level. He was far more convivial.
He told me that in his dimension, the rich routinely philanthropize, so much so that there are no destitute or super-rich classes, safe synthetic meats ensure delicious bacon without any animals being tortured, money we would spend on guns and bombs are going towards cancer and free energy research, politicians argue over the most logical and efficient ways to serve the weak and sick, and Adolf Hitler was only a slightly renowned drag entertainer.
He was shocked to discover that our media glorifies violence, but is also frustratingly both perversely obsessed and shamefully repressed when it comes to sex. He seemed to think the internet was a good sign for us, something they have had since the nineteen-twenties. They have had jazz music since the seventeenth century.
All of the water fountains shoot cream soda, as they have found the cures for both diabetes and obesity, or as they archaically remember them, “diabesity.”
There is free health care, but they are not a socialist dictatorship. In their free market economy, the affluent volunteered to pay the higher taxes that they can afford, and every corporation profit-shares with their employees.
When I asked about the Third World he replied that yes, both of our planets were the third from the sun, but being the homeworld, Earth was simply more populated than the solar system’s colonies. I couldn’t bring myself to clarify the question.
He failed to check out the passing perfectly plump posterior of an attractive female, which made me consider my double was a little light-in-the-loafers, but he assured me that in his utopian reality, nearly everyone is bisexual at least at some point in their lives, that they simply don’t view the opposite sex as objects, and that additionally all elected officials are cannabis-smoking voluntary-eunuchs.
There are no suicide bombings or underaged, oversexed Disney pop divas.
Jimi Hendrix is alive and well.
Christianity exists there, but is more of a self-reflective non-judgmental philosophical set of ideals meant to help and love each other, than the self-righteous violent rhetoric meant to control and degrade each other that it is on our plane.
People say thank you, acknowledge each other, and don’t complain when they agree to help one another move.
People are allowed to experiment with altered brain states up to and including death, without governmental criminalisation.
The Cold War ended nearly the moment it began, with heartfelt letters of apology and a good, stiff drink or two.
Pie is the same.
Fascinated by each other’s cultures and technologies, we set a lunch date for tomorrow. I intend to ask him about world peace, the brotherhood of man, and the exact manner of his dimensional travel. Then I am going to kill him, shave my beard and take his place
To you, my otherworldly friend: