An intoxicating thought experiment or sobering self-reflection? Either way, the culmination of many years of incredibly stringent, incredibly onerous, and incredibly fun research. Though, as a high-brow high-society social drinker and a low-functioning low-class drunk, each situation dictates varying percentiles. I can stop any time I want. But for science…
1% is not very crunked at all, but has nonetheless started to consider the stages of crunked.
2% just wants to socialize, have a good time, and relax.
3% requires music. This is not an indication of crunkness, since that is always the case, so much as a slight increase in urgent tenacity.
4% knows how to control himself and thinks about each thing he’s going to say before saying it. Has plans this night to not get too fucked up, and will responsibly follow them.
5% doesn’t know which bag belongs to him.
6% has gotten amazingly MORE charming and witty and persuasive, if one can imagine, the most artful storyteller and cunning linguist.
7% feels pretty good, wants to meet new people and do new things.
8% looks down his nose at alcohol snobbery, and will try anything once.
9% has got to break the seal, gets shit for doing it so early, but knows there is no correlation between urination and crunkness.
10% is convinced the bartender is into him.
11% is tired of your drama, and will tell you so.
12% has suddenly and inexplicably gained encyclopedic access to every inane pop-culture reference ever.
13% needs you to be his wingman.
14% know how many drinks he has consumed, what they were, the last time he felt this way, and where that puts him in the universe. It is enjoyable to think about.
15% will talk sports now.
16% doesn’t mind the butterscotch Schnapp’s, despite disliking both flavors independently.
17% has somehow gotten better at darts and pool.
18% has to be in charge of the jukebox.
19% will mix you a new drink you have never heard of.
20% requires philosophy.
21% wishes ALL his friends could be here; then wishes all his friends lived in an island village with their own language and system of government and awesome things to do and giant turrets to protect them from the outside world.
23% has trouble with numbers.
24% must check the mirror again to make sure there isn’t shit on his face.
25% could use a cigarette, despite not being a smoker.
26% suddenly doesn’t mind the gossip, and would like to hear more.
27% is making sure to visit and talk to everyone.
28% always has time to flirt.
29% finds it preferable, nay, requisite, to rest his forehead against the cool wall and close his eyes for a moment while at the urinal.
30% doesn’t need a wingman.
31% would like a new place to drink.
32% doesn’t mind telling you how pretty you are.
33% would tell you his secret identity.
34% is convinced that looking into his eyes would make you fall in love with him, and takes precautions accordingly.
35% has decided that ‘snakebite’ is a good idea.
36% must splash water in his face.
37% has taken to yelling.
38% is annoyed at what is on the jukebox, uncharacteristically frowns.
39% is thinking about the inexorable march of time, the deep dark origin of the universe, the quantum secrets of matter, and the electric pulse of being and self.
40% is vaguely wondering what stage this is…
41% thinks nachos are a good idea.
42% is prepared to not only micturate in public, but proudly declare such fact as ‘marking territory’
43% will talk to anyone… ANYONE.
44% wants to help the other people who are getting sick or passed out too early.
45% is sexually attracted to you, but not more than to self, and could look at he mirror forever.
46% wins every argument with loudness.
47% remembers the good times.
48% clearly doesn’t need to wear these glasses anymore.
49% wonders if this is what he’ll do at his ten-year high school reunion.
50% notes who is more drunk, unruly, and with poorer judgement than himself, purely for comparison, and certainly not for comedic value or ego inflation.
51% realizes he hasn’t done this in a long time, with equal parts regret, delight, bedevilment and relish.
52% is shit-talking you.
53% can’t remember if it’s ‘beer before liquor’ or ‘liquor before beer.’
54% could live this way forever.
55% doesn’t mind the mint schnapp’s despite outright loathing mint
56% would eat a sealed bag of potato chips out of a dumpster.
57% laughs at every inside joke, even the ones he’s not a part of.
58% can (and shall) recite a whole movie or tv series with your help.
59% enjoys every single thing on the jukebox.
60% feels pretty good, wants to do new people and meet new things.
61% doesn’t care whether you’re impressed with him or not, aren’t you impressed by that?
62% is getting claustrophobic and needs fresh air.
63% has rediscovered his cellphone and the numbers of people he hasn’t seen in ages, or the people who said they were coming out drinking tonight but didn’t.
64% doesn’t want to make any more decisions… ever.
65% is about to tell off that one jerk.
66% misses all the dead homies.
67% is perplexed and confounded by simple things like mirrors.
68% would pee on a church with his buddies and laugh triumphantly.
69% doesn’t mind being licked.
70% would eat an unsealed bag of potato chips out of a dumpster.
71% wants you to save that empty jug as a “trophy of this conquest”.
72% has superpowers.
73% may just have to start dancing and singing.
74% debates both the quality and veracity of this beard and haircut.
75% has given you a new nickname.
76% doesn’t understand you, but just nods and listens, allows you to finish, and then tells you he didn’t understand you.
77% is, at this point, so fucking sick of this shit.
78% can’t remember every drink of the night, but tries in vain anyway.
79% is pretty sure he can get home okay.
80% needs to slow down for a minute, just until the ground stops moving.
81% frowns trying to remember that thing that he was so close to remembering from earlier that must have been so important to still remember that it desperately needs remembering.
82% isn’t very likable right now.
83% needs to pee again, convinced it is the only thing that can help.
84% cannot pronounce real words, so just yells out syllables like “WOO,” “FOOM,” “PO-DAM,” and laughs hysterically.
85% hopes the whole neighborhood heard that, the fuckers.
86% has no more interest in flirting.
87% would sleep in the potato-chip-bag dumpster.
88% has lost motor control in his legs and mouth.
89% doesn’t remember any of this.
90% thinks some things, but then thinks better of them.
91% is scared of mirrors, and whatever dwells within.
92% finds video games and television to both be BAD ideas.
93% for some reason, thinks the sink is the best place to do this…
94% is angry and disappointed.
95% needs a shower.
96% tries cleaning the sink.
97% just needs quiet and darkness, not unlike a filthy cockroach.
98% though passed out, is congratulated by party-goers for “knowing how to party.”
99% can definitively be described as crunked.
100% is dead.