Hello, ambiguous American Consumer! Have you heard of the new product that’s all the rage in all forty-nine states? You’ll discover a world of innovation when you use– Napkins! A sickening degenerate slob such as yourself, who only pulls their gelatinous form away from the television long enough to fill themselves with more breaded and fried cheese, may not be hip to this apparently entirely new and hitherto undiscovered miracle of modern man! Actually, millions of Americans every day are enjoying the benefits of Napkins! In fact, it’s surprisingly hard to believe that you yourself, even by accident, have not already run into one of these items to clear some of the sludge off of that grease and meat that you call a face! It’s quite simple actually, if you pay very close attention, you’ll see that even the most moronic of God’s creatures can grasp the intricacies and nuances of… the Napkin. Just apply it to your pudgy revolting mouth, even for a moment, and some of that crust that was so incorporated into your physiology that you couldn’t have known it wasn’t supposed to be there, is gone! If you call now, we’ll throw in another marvel of science that has clearly never graced your cabinet– a little thing called– deoderant. Yes, ambiguous American Consumer, though a logician would tell you that there is no scientific correlation between your overpowering untended stench and frustrated virginity, we here at the Dawkins/Napkin institute for Advanced Thought and Higher Learning have surmised that in 78% of all cases, a stink such as yours would never get you laid, in fact, quite the opposite.
To look at you, you clearly must have assumed that everyone else smelled the way you do, when in fact, they don’t, it’s just you, a bath wouldn’t kill you either, though some might argue that holy water would. Science has found that the only part of your body that God intended to smell like your asshole, is indeed, your asshole, and that your musk of sweat, barbeque sauce and spent semen vaguely masked with cheap Axe effect is not, in fact, a mating ritual aphrodisiac to the opposite sex. And speaking of the opposite sex– Ladies, when’s the last time that you– washed out your dank-ass vagina!?