Video

Eh, Cumpari!

a nonsensical romp of stream-of-consciousness crime fiction writing, with our young protagonist not particularly knowing the reasons for his persecution. Starring the likes of Zachary Markel, Ian Livingston, Bobby Hecht, Jim Vivas, Aaron Kinney, Jon Cocco, and Rob Carrick. With the voice of Erin Yudenfreund. Co-produced with Bobby Hecht. Now with even more accordion music!

Script to follow:

INT. BASEMENT

A Young Man named DAVID enters a dank and dark basement, filled with implements of all types of destruction.  He goes to the far opposite end of the stairs which he descended and sits at a table where there is a stately and yet eerily silent figure, busying himself about his blueprints.  DAVID sits across from him, uninvited.

MAN

You have a job to do?

DAVID

No… well, in a way, the most important job.

MAN

Ah.  You need some protection?  I don’t need to know the rest.  Tell me what you are looking for.

DAVID

A gun.  A big one.

MAN

Settle down there, Mr. Green Jeans, that’s not what I meant.  Tell me what you’re looking for in this city.

DAVID

I can’t.  I can’t right now.  I mean, maybe once I’m a little sure– say, are we gonna do this, because I have some place I need to be–

MAN

David, listen.  I know you.  You don’t know me, but I know you.  Paul sent you to me for a reason.  He knew that I would sympathize with your situation, and he knew that I could help.  Paul is a good friend.

DAVID

Yes, he was.

MAN

Certainly.  So tell me, David.  Who is after you?

DAVID

(uncomfortably)

O’Doul, Marzetti, the Seven Dead, I don’t know, maybe the devil himself for what I’ve done.

MAN

(smiling wryly)

What you’ve done?  Hm.

He reaches down and behind him, unseen, and deftly produces a handgun for young David.

MAN

This will remain adequate, from what Paul tells me.  Although if I had things my way, I’d be hooking you up with a couple SMGs, and that anti-aircraft turret I keep in the back.

DAVID

(still uncomfortable)

This is fine.  So what do I owe you?

MAN

No charge.

DAVID

What?

MAN

Nothing.  I see a young man like you, and I think of myself, back when the… well, back when certain some persons wanted me dead.

DAVID

Well… thanks.  I– really don’t know when I’ll be back this way again.

MAN

Don’t worry about it.  I told you already you don’t owe me anything.  I don’t make people repay the favors I do them.  That would cheapen the flavor like… grocery store bubble gum, eh?

DAVID

Thank you.  You are a good man.

MAN

Forget it.

David gets up to leave, but the mysterious man grabs his arm and halts him.

MAN

Say, son.  You sure you don’t also want a knife?

DAVID

What?

MAN

A knife?  A gun is nice when you’re in a jam, but let’s say you’ve got your assailant at arm’s length and really want him to feel it?  A knife’s just the thing.

DAVID

I don’t think I’ll be–

MAN

And it’s not just good for mob men.  Police, FBI, women, children.  The more delicate they are the more they squirm.

DAVID

Huh?

MAN

My knives are untraceable, no serration.  I don’t understand those anyways, I want somebody to know that they’re being stabbed, filleted.

DAVID

Look, I really have to be…

MAN

C’mon, mate, don’t tell me you’ve never really wanted to feel someone from the inside.  Don’t you have that special someone in your life?

DAVID

Sorry… I have to go.

David harriedly runs back up the stairs, tucking his gun in his pants.

MAN

(yelling after him)

Don’t knock it til you try it!

He goes back to his blueprints.

INT. KITCHEN — MORNING

David enters his kitchen and begins searching through cupboards.  He doesn’t find what he’s looking for, but a gun is suddenly pressed against the back of his neck.

GUNMAN

Looking for your stash, junkie?

DAVID

Fuck.

GUNMAN

Yeah.  You really ought to keep your windows closed.  All sorts of unsavory creatures could get in.  Plus, you air-condition the entire neighborhood.

DAVID

Sorry.

GUNMAN

Get on the ground, fucker!

He spins him around and back onto the floor, facing him for the first time.  David keeps his hands where they can be seen.

DAVID

(after a pause)

Mr. Alberts?

ALBERTS

Where’s my Goddamned rent?

DAVID

Jesus Christ, you just want rent money?  Fine, fine, let me get it…

He reaches for his wallet.

ALBERTS

Slowly!

DAVID

Yeah.  Here.  It’s all here.

ALBERTS

I want you out of here, you understand!  And I don’t want to see you in this house, fuck, I don’t want to see you in this cul-de-sac, ever again!

(heartbroken)

You realize what you’re doing to the people of this neighborhood?  Do you realize what this criminal activity is doing to our community?  Think of the children!  The school system!  The property values!

DAVID

Fine.  Fine.  You’ll never see me again.  I can promise you that.

ALBERTS

Good.  And I told you, no pets!

EXT. STREET — DAY

DAVID is now carrying his gun in one hand and his cat carrier in the other.  He is very paranoid, and necessarily so.  Two men suddenly turn round the corner, and David knows they are meant to kill him.  He runs back around the block, and sees a friendly hobo collecting change.  David sets his cat carrier down and pleads for help.

DAVID

Buddy, you’ve got to help me out I– let me hide in your box or something…

The hobo looks at him, his face turns into a mask of sorrow.

HOBO

I don’t want to be a hobo, you know.  I never decided to do this!  I been in jail, you know.

DAVID

That’s great.  Say, here’s… uh… five dollars, to let me hide in this box.  Fuck, here’s fifty, and mum’s the word, okay?

HOBO

How can she love a hobo?  I have nothing and he has everything!

DAVID

(hiding in the box)

Hsh…shhh!

HOBO

But I can’t help but think, you know.  Maybe I could treat her better than he ever could.  He doesn’t love her the way I do.

DAVID

Will you please shut up?

HOBO

Oh, but I’m just a hobo.

DAVID

Fuck it.

He rises, cardboard box and all, and begins to run down the sidewalk towards the park.  The two men are shortly behind him in hot pursuit.

HOBO

Hey!  That’s mine!

(pause)

Oh.  Hi, kitty.

EXT. PARK — DAY

Another young man is sitting on a park bench, with his cane, enjoying a beautiful sunny afternoon, and working out of his day planner.  David, ragged, approaches him and falls down next to him.

DAVID

Listen, mister, you’ve really got to help me… I’ve got some men that are–

YOUNG MAN

Oh, dear.  Look at you.  Here take my handkerchief, clean yourself up, you’ll never make your way in life looking like that, I can tell you.

DAVID

But, mister, there’s these guys, the Friscilettu Twins!  They were right behind me.

He looks around the park for them but sees nothing.

YOUNG MAN

Let’s just get your face cleaned up and take a look at you there

The Young Man cleans David’s face off with his handkerchief.

DAVID

You don’t understand, I’m a wanted man!  I’m dangerous!

YOUNG MAN

Yes.  Yes, you are.  There you go.  See, you’re actually quite handsome.  Women should be pounding down your door now.  Now about those clothes.  One moment…

He looks back into his day planner.

DAVID

(exasperated)

Please, help me!

Suddenly,  two criminals, the FRISCILETTU TWINS, with bulging pockets containing deadly guns, appear upon DAVID and this spectator.

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

Alright.  Hands where I can see them.

JAIMIE FRISCILETTU

No funny stuff, either.  My brother’s just been waiting to plug somebody, and I don’t think you want to be giving him any excuses.

David raises his hands innocently and begins to rise slowly.

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

Holy shit… John, is that you?

The Young Man nods acknowledgingly, and gives a bit of a mid-waist bow.

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

God, Jaimie, this is the John I was telling you about.

JOHN

(aside to David)

A pseudonym, of course.

JAIMIE FRISCILETTU

Wow.  No shit.

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

You don’t remember me, do you Mr. John?

JOHN

Of course I do, Tommy.  I remember all the… uh… harder cases.

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

This guy really showed me the light, Jaimie.  You really saved me, Mr. John.

JOHN

Tommy, don’t you remember?  Call me John.  Just John.

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

Yes, sorry, Mr.– I mean, John, just John.

JOHN

That’s better.  And Jaimie Friscilettu, I presume, nice to meet you.

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

(embarrassed)

Oh, yeah, sorry.  This is my brother.

JAIMIE FRISCILETTU

Pleasure’s all mine, John.  I’ve heard a lot about you.  And not just from my brother here neither, but from all the boys down on 28th.  You’re a growing legend!

DAVID, meanwhile, is looking for his way out.

JOHN

Now, Tommy.  What is that you said you had in your pocket?

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

(ashamed)

Nothing.

JOHN

Don’t lie, too.

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

Yeah.  It’s a gun.

JOHN

Now, don’t be embarrassed.  It’s happened to the best of us.  But don’t you remember what you’d told me, when we first met?

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

Oh… yeah.

JOHN

Remember what we figured out that day?

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

That– that I don’t need to carry the gun as an extension of my phallus, that I’m all the man I should be, all the man I can be, and that’s always going to be plenty.

He smiles from having remembered so well.

JOHN

And?

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

Oh.  And also… that every living thing is precious… precious as the sun and each day that we live on this planet we are blessed.

JOHN

That’s right, Tommy.  You remembered very well.  Now, I’m not here to judge you.  You always have to do what you believe is right for you.  But I can’t make these decisions for you.  Only you can make your life better, Tommy.

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

I know, Mr. John.

JOHN

Now, Tommy.  When you kill someone in cold blood, it feels good, doesn’t it?

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

(ashamed)

Yeah.

JOHN

And then when you go to that man’s house and comfort his wife in their nuptial bed, that feels good, too, doesn’t it?

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

Well, yeah.

JAIMIE FRISCILETTU

Woah… what’s that?

JOHN

But Tommy.  That next morning, and for a solid week thereafter, how do you feel?

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

(after a pause)

Well… well, Mr. John, downright miserable.

JOHN

That’s guilt, Tom.  See, you know the difference between right and wrong.  And you know how I know that?

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

How?

JAIMIE FRISCILETTU

How, John?

JOHN

Because you have a good mother.  And she raised two wonderful boys.

JAIMIE FRISCILETTU

Yeah.

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

Yeah.

JOHN

I know she’s dying to hear from you.  Why don’t you bridge that gap?

TOMMY FRISCILETTU

Okay.

After an awkward pause, they hug.  Tommy thanks him and then walks off.

JAIMIE FRISCILETTU

I… uh… I have to go rethink some things.

He leaves as well.

DAVID

Who… who are you?

JOHN

Sorry, son.  I’m late for an appointment, but take my card.  I hope, however, that we meet next time under better circumstances.

DAVID

Thanks, uh, John.

JOHN

Yes.  And God be with you.

He looks up into the sun, squinting, smiling and enjoying the day, and then, after the report of a sniper rifle, falls down dead.  David is understandably surprised.

INT. ATTIC ROOM — AFTERNOON

SNIPER

(through his cigarette)

Shit.  Shit shit shit Jesus cock!

SNIPER’S WIFE

(from downstairs)

What’s that I heard you say?

SNIPER

Nothing!

(under his breath)

Shit!

He begins to disassemble and put away his sniper rifle.

SNIPER’S WIFE

Are you up there sniping again?

SNIPER

No!

SNIPER’S WIFE

Goddammit!  Of course you are, how long does it take to clean an attic?

SNIPER

Jesus Christ, Ruth, get off my back, how else do you think I’m going to keep food on the table.

SNIPER’S WIFE

I don’t know, doing something honest for once in your life.

SNIPER

Ah, Ruth, mind your own busniness.  For what it’s worth, I shot the wrong guy just now anyways.

SNIPER’S WIFE

Oh yeah.  That makes it all better!

SNIPER

For the love of Christ, Ruth, I have enough to worry about without your nagging!

SNIPER’S WIFE

Nagging?  Fine!  You can make your own supper for all I care!  I’m going to lie down for a while!  Maybe if I concentrate real hard I’ll wake up with a husband who isn’t a GODDAMNED COLD-BLOODED MURDERER!

SNIPER

Son of a bitch, Ruth, let the whole neighborhood know, why don’t you?  Huh?

SNIPER’S WIFE

I want a divorce!

SNIPER

So get one already, I’m tired of hearing you bitch about it every day!

SNIPER’S WIFE

Shut up!  Just shut up!

SNIPER

Ah, fuck.

He takes his cell phone out of his pocket and makes a call.

SNIPER

Joey!  Hey, I can’t go out tonight with the boys.  Nah, I have to patch some things up now with the missus

Leaning the phone between his chin and shoulder, he starts to clean his rifle.

SNIPER

Say, maybe you can help me!  You think you could take care of something for me?  I’ll split with you two ways?

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