I got nothin’

I’ve still got about 50% and 24 minutes of this video to render out, so here I am. (Aside: They want to take the internet out of open lab 720 next quarter. This is stupid because while many people only use it for myspace.com, other people need it for research and to kill those excruciating render times. I understand that less people on myspace equals more computers to work at, but to what avail if a valuable research tool is removed? Plus, they’re going to ban myspace on top of that. Good, it’s for fools and impotents. But what’s the point if there’s no internet anyways?)

Things are starting to come together for me. I always seem the least depressed after a particularly bad bout with it. Last night was one of those. I thought, “what am I supposed to be doing after I graduate? What if I don’t succeed? Worse still, what if I do succeed, but at something that makes me miserable?” Which led me to the inevitable question of: “What am I supposed to be doing with my life that won’t make me miserable?” And then I realized that nothing fulfills me, or rather, there isn’t much that doesn’t make me miserable, so I got depressed. I also realized that I’ve never felt the soothing divine presence of God, that I’ve been faking a spirituality only to fool myself, and that I have no idea what sort of woman I want to be with. Every time I find one I like there’s something that goes terribly awry. I swear to Peter Tosh it’s like Woody Allen is writing for me sometimes.

11 minutes left.

Pre-portfolio wasn’t last Tuesday, it’s today at five. That’s why I’m here working and not out shooting. (Incidentally, it’s also why I was so angry with myself. That and getting hung up on a girl that I shouldn’t). So I have pieces to show that I’ve worked on all week, (when I could find a computer), and much of it still sucks. Jeff just volunteered to help me with Color Correction, though, which is mostly because he gets paid for his tutor hours. Honestly, if I had unlimited time, money, talent, and resources, I’d reshoot over half of this shit. But I don’t, and I have to make do with what I have. Though I will be shooting a couple more things here in the coming weeks. I also have next quarter to refine a lot of it. I guess I’m not too worried. But knowing that my work is shit, and knowing that at five-o-clock I’m going to be told that my stuff is shit, is like a twisted Cassandra’s complex wherein I have no power between now and then to change my future. Other shiny, happy students who eat, breathe, and shit video with their future in engineering or news editing are frolicking down there, DVDs in tow, to get the praise they deserve. I guess if they get torn apart it will shatter the preconceived notions, I don’t know. I’m not thinking of anyone in particular. My point it that the bright side of all of this is that since I’ve prepared for the worst, I’m not in store for much disappointment.

Six minutes left.

I need to pass every class between now and graduation. I don’t have the loans or the funds to continue. In fact, I’m overextended as far as I possibly could be. (But I did buy Journey tickets.) Then what? Who knows. Everyone is telling me that I should move closer to them, all over the country, and that I could do some nondescript job near them. My mother, God bless her, told me not to listen to any of them, that I can do whatever I want and she’d still love me. As long as I got a job. That doesn’t help at all. Then there’s the military, there’s the psychotic fugues, and of course suicide.

About a minute… Less than a minute.

I’ll figure this out. If it kills me.


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