This is supposed to be cathartic and Paul has one so I guess I might as well try it. There may or may not be a Volume II or III.
1. The Laws of Physics.
a) When I throw something into the air, sometimes I do not want it to come down.
b) Things would be a lot cooler if two things could coexist in the same place at the same time.
c) If matter or energy could just be created, it would wean us off of foreign oil and end the sandwich crisis in my kitchen.
d) Time travel would kick ass.
e) Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. I like knowing where and how fast those electrons are moving. Worst. Principle. Ever.
a) Why is it that when you multiply a negative with a negative you get a positive? This has never made sense to me, and regrettably, probably never will.
b) Long division never could hold my attention.
c) I want a right triangle whose hypotenuse’s square root was greater than the sum of the square roots of the other two sides. Fuck Pythagoras, I just think it would look cool.
d) Transitive property. What’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander, and comparisons are odious.
e) A mole is 6.0221415 x 10^23? Really? That’s weird.
a) I was there.
b) I wasn’t impressed.
c) Big deal. They put potatoes in everything.
5. Phil Hartman.
a) But not THE Phil Hartman. Just this kid in High School I hated who was also coincidentally, named Phil Hartman. He was an annoying prick who treated women as objects. But the most annoying part was that he wasn’t even particularly good at it.
b) God took the wrong Phil Hartman.
6. William Randolph Hearst.
a) He, with Pulitzer, started a racist and fictitious war.
b) He is one of the monumental reasons why Cannabis is illegal in this country.
c) He got away with the murder of Robert Ince. That sucks too.
a) Just hate ’em.
8. The semicolon.
a) Anything worth doing is worth doing right. You can’t walk the line.
b) I mean, c’mon. You’re either a comma or a colon. Don’t give me this halfway shit.
9. Derrida’s Deconstructionism.
a) It’s not that I hate it. I just hate how hard it is to understand.
b) Besides. Relativism rocks.
10. People who think that they’re smarter than me.
11. People who are smarter than me.
12. Horror Rock/Horror Punk.
a) What significance do you add to the history of music?
b) What the Misfits started, they also ended.
c) You’re just modern glam rock with different makeup so admit it and tease your hair.
13. Spider-Man. I don’t buy it.
a) Why would the spider depart his powers unto either its prey or its predators in its venomous bite?
b) Why was there DNA in the venom, as opposed to blood?
c) Why does the webbing come from his wrists?
d) Since when can spiders sense what is going to happen before it does? I didn’t know any that did before I squished them.
e) Captain America is much better.
14. That Frustration isn’t a physical deity.
a) So that when the same error window pops up forty or fifty times, I could wrap my hands around its throat and slowly strangle the life out of it.
b) So that when I have to shit out the spicy buffalo chicken wings from the night before, I can pound the damned thing in the face.
15. Modern Realism (in painting).
a) Isn’t that what photographs are for?
16. Only twenty-four hours in one day.
17. Graphic Design.
a) You people go to school for this? Really?
b) And it all ends up looking like a bunch of partitioned circles and stylized fonts?
c) Photoshop is $XXX, and MSPaint is free, and most Graphic Design ends up looking the same either way.
d) Is it just me, or are all the male graphic designers gay? Seriously. Like, all of them.
e) What do you do that an Animator can’t do twenty-four times a second?
18. Most of the middle of Melville’s Moby Dick.
a) If I can think of something better as I’m watching it, it can’t be all that good to begin with.
b) The same generic shit with a different product.
c) And why are they at the movie theatres now? C’mon. As if trailers weren’t long enough.
d) Yelling won’t make me want to buy it. Shiny flashing colors probably won’t either.
e) I can see through you, see your true colors.
a) If it isn’t worth saying all the way through, it probably isn’t worth saying at all.
21. Suicide Bombers.
22. Fake leather.
23. Stand-by booking on airplanes.
24. The fucking Cage/Cave.
a) I have taken about as much of their shit as I fucking can! They send me out without lens caps, without tripod mounts, or by hiding the tripod plate or screw in some obscure fucking pocket in the bag, and I have defended equipment for you on numerous occasions to first-quarter idiots using it in the stupidest fucking ways you could possibly imagined. I have waited in your fucking line for hours while late to class because the workers checking shit in are taking their damned good old time and I have to listen to Dave fucking rip on the Traveling Wilburys, and whatever problems so-and-so had with their boyfriends, and I’m seriously wondering if these girls only get hired for their cup size, because it definitely isn’t their technological savvy, and then, after four fucking years of having faulty equipment handed out to me, and I’ve always done my very best to bring it back in as pristine a condition as I received it, or better, ONE TIME, ONE FUCKING TIME, I had to bring a tripod in out of the rain, and it comes back in a bag that is wet, which is where it was to protect it, and I have to hear it from Dave, as if I had taken it scuba-diving with me or some shit. I can’t even swim! Fuck this shit! I can’t control when it does and doesn’t rain!
25. That I can’t swim.
26. That I can’t control when it does and doesn’t rain.
27. Relying on other people and having them screw you over when you need them.
28. Boredom/Waiting (is the hardest part).
a) Are you really that afraid of heights that you can’t enjoy a good roller coaster? Explain to me why so many people take airplanes? Explain to me why they make buildings so high? I can’t be all that bad.
b) You need needles to get vaccines. You don’t have to get any tattoos, but what if you get tetanus? Or septic poisoning? What are you going to do, blow on it and run it off?
c) Seriously, you’re only afraid of clowns now because it’s trendy and funny and everybody does it. Grow up, or better still, be a little kid all over again and this time, do it better.
d) If you can’t talk to girls, or you aren’t good with meeting people, or in large social settings, then you’re mostly just depressing and you’re also missing out on some of the best parts of life. What are you really afraid of? Social embarrassment? Failure? A little of that never killed anybody.
e) Spiders? Really? Isn’t this the pithiest thing you could possibly be afraid of? Do you realize that there are most likely arachnids on you right now? Do you know how many spider bites you’ve probably gotten in the last year without ever noticing it? Fuck spiders! They don’t even make good super-heroes.
f) If I ever get buried alive, that would be sweet! It’s like Chip’s Challenge, or any other old video game: Objective, Time Limit, Reward. If you’re afraid of an enclosed space then consider: Your brain is where all thoughts reside, and it’s trapped firmly in your head.
g) My little cousin is afraid of thunderstorms. We told her that all it is is loud noises, and she replied, ‘But I’m afraid of loud noises.’ So I guess she got us there.
h) How do you leave your house if you can’t speak in public? Have you ever ordered at a fast food drive-thru window? Have you ever been at a concert and been yelling? Next time, just imagine it without the little box, or without all the other people cheering.
i) Everybody has to die sometime.
a) Where do you get off?
b) No, really, where do you get off taking one of America’s oldest and most beloved cities? Several, in fact!
c) I really want to know where you think you get off!
d) Fucking asshole.
32. Everything I like causes cancer.
a) Artificial sugar.
b) The sun, which I’ve sort of grown to like.
c) Sunscreen. So…
d) Smoking, though I’ve never inhaled.
f) Atom bombs. Those’re sweet.
g) Chlorine. I may never learn to swim.
h) Barbecued food.
i) Deep fried food.
j) MSG. Can’t get enough of that shit.
k) Microwaves. Actually, fuck that. I hate microwaves.
a) How do you people drink this shit? It tastes like it looks. Brown.
b) My dad used to get, like, two thermos’ worth of that shit into his system every day. His teeth looked like shit, the house smelled like shit, and I swear that the house around the percolator took on a shitty haze.
c) Is there anything in that that you couldn’t get from slightly more healthy sources like, say, tea or soda or narcotics or, I don’t know, a good night’s sleep? Actually, apples are more effective than coffee.
d) The antonym of French Kissing is Coffee Breath, swear to God.
35. The internet.
a) Most of it is porn. Actually, most of it is just a page telling you where to go for the webpage that you couldn’t find, or that they’re sorry they couldn’t find your page, so sign up for fine real estate deals and free email services, or where to go if you couldn’t find the page that would have signed you up directly for the porn. I don’t even like porn! Most people don’t believe me, but it’s true. Over 90% of the internet is useless to me.
b) I can never really find what I want. If I misspell something, or don’t use quotes in the right places, or phrase my search even a little bit odd, it’s like looking for a needle in a fucking haystack. Thank God for wikipedia, but even then I’m lost a good third of the time.
c) Most of the pages that you’ve already been to a thousand times will suddenly refuse to load, or be temporarily rerouted, or down, or under construction. Construction? Say what it is, you’re just ashamed that you haven’t updated in a while and all the other websites look a little snazzier.
d) All that wasted time!
e) All that stupid slang! It’s stupid! Who ever decided that it was good!? Who ever decided that looking stupid was clever?
f) Does it ever seem to anyone else like there’s more to the internet than google and yahoo give us? Sometimes I feel like there’s a whole other internet that maybe I’m ignoring, and it has all the right information, and its all a lot easier to find within that system. Maybe if I didn’t hate computers it would be a lot easier for me to navigate without a search engine.
g) Does it ever seem to anyone else like we’re just waiting around until something better comes along?
36. Fingernails (& toenails).
a) They seem to always need to be cut when its not convenient to.
b) They never seem long enough when you need them to be.
c) Send me to Chinese prison please!
a) Eh. I could live without it.
a) I swear to God, I think the elements are just there to get us. Don’t give me any of this touchy-feely one-with-mother-nature crap. Nature’s a mother, all right. Drownings, wildfires, droughts, hurricanes (mentioned above), tornadoes, floods, rock-slides, mudslides, quicksand, sinkholes, dust-storms, rainstorms, thunderstorms, snow, sleet, hail, overgrowth, animal attacks, lightning and avalanches. I don’t mind using a little aerosol deodorant if those’re the sort of odds I’m up against. Fuck nature! And fuck the people who say that i can’t say fuck nature! Nature’s been fucking us for over three million years, by some accounts, so why not fuck back? Refine it and pollute it back into itself! Cut it down, drill it, raze it to the ground, do horrendous tests on it, I don’t care! There isn’t a single drill bit, or saw, or explosive, not one nuclear device, not a singular advancement in science and destruction that we’ve created that didn’t originally come from the Earth to begin with. If we’re the Earth’s auto-immunity disorder then so be it! I don’t see HIV getting all remorseful when a human being dies of AIDs.
39. Doing and going.
a) I do a lot, and a go a lot of places to do it, but when I’m doing or going, it looks like a sound effect. It’s another reason I hate onomatopoeia.
d) See what I mean?
a) When they say that ‘it’s raining,’ what the fuck is it? The sky is raining? The clouds are raining? The weather is raining? The RAIN is raining? There isn’t a single way to say it that doesn’t make you sound like a retard. I want some clarity. Or just say, “What’s with all the rain?”
b) ‘As it were.’ You mean, as it was? Or as they were? Pick one, buddy!
c) When you don’t know if the baby is a boy or a girl, you can just say refer to it as an it. So for the first trimester or so ‘it’ is not allowed a gender-specific pronoun, and yet Pat Robertson would assure you that ‘it’ is still a sacred piece of God’s divine will.
41. God’s Divine Will.
a) Dude, what’s, uh, the deal? Because carrying out Your Divine Will sure would be a whole lot easier if we knew what it was. Or are You afraid that too many of us would refuse to do it? Which brings me to b.
b) Yes, the whole ‘free will’ argument. How can You profess to know what’s going to happen next, indeed, profess that it’s what You NEEDED to happen, if You engendered us with free will.
c) What, Dude, could You not do on Your own that You needed us for?
d) Dude, seriously, how is it that Your Divine Will includes genocides, wars, and natural disasters?
e) Einstein said that You would not play dice with the universe, and yet, Your track record would indicate that You’re just making it up as You go along. Was Adam and Eve’s transgression part of the Divine Plan? And if so, then why did you have to kill Your only son, (or Yourself, as some would have it) to make up for it? Or was that also part of Your Divine Will?
a) Philosophy was supposed to clear some things up, and as far as I can tell, has only made things a hell of a lot more confusing.
b) I mean, granted, we weren’t supposed to get it all right the first time around, but it seems to me that we’ve been plodding along pretty lethargically, making progress sluggishly, and expounding on discoveries that now seem obvious.
c) There hasn’t been any ‘Spiritual Awakening’ and all signs point to ‘no.’
d) I can’t decide which conditioner I like better, or what sort of girl I’d like to be with, so how am I supposed to set up a belief system?
e) Fuck philosophy.
a) Has there ever been a bigger waste of time and money than this? Its sole function is to look pretty. That’s it. Look, if you don’t look good, jewelry isn’t going to help, and if you do look good, then you don’t need it!
b) Do you realize that your stereo would sound a lot better if the wires were made of gold and not copper? And do you realize that the only reason it costs so much and why people want it so much is because it’s shiny? Shiny! How simple are you people! Our entire system of economics is based, not on food or shelter or basic necessities, but on something SHINY! What is wrong with us?
a) There is no air to breathe in space. There is an awful lot of space, and we only have air here on Earth. Pretty damned inconvenient, huh?
b) I don’t like things that don’t have an end to them in sight. It’s also why I skipped past most of the middle of Moby Dick.
c) I think the real reason why I hate space so much is that there is so much potential for space to be really cool, but I can’t get there. Very few of us, in fact, will ever get there. The percentage of people from Earth who will get there to the total number of human beings who have ever lived thus far is remarkably small. Noteworthy, in fact.
47. Drew Barrymore.
a) Why is she famous?
a) If they’re so cool then where are they now?
f) I thought so.
49. Marine Recruiters.
a) You fucked me, guys.
b) And I can’t even complain, because you’ve fucked so many other people so much worse.
50. The middle.
a) I hate anything average, because for oh-so many years I was average. I hate the average haircut, the average height, the grade point average. I hate them all for not being all they could be.
b) I hate things that are evenly subdivided, because they could be so much more interesting. I hate the median, in sets of even numbers, because it’s cheap, it’s easy, and there’s no work required. Like your mom, (aw, snap!).
c) Middles are just thrown in there for filler. They mean nothing out of context and in context they’re the most boring part. There’s a reason you start strong and end strong, because nobody pays attention to all the stuff in between.
d) When you’re not happy, and you’re not unhappy, but you’re in some unnamed place in-between, that’s the worst!
e) Who decided on a base-ten system anyways? Why not nine?
51. The Cold War.
a) Why are people still talking about this? In fact, why were people ever talking about this? Do you realize that the most frightening war in this country is the one that was never actually fought? There’s some 1984 shit for you.
b) Trying to end it got Kennedy killed. I stand by that.
c) Desks? Desks were going to protect you? Did anyone, at any time, actually believe that? Who said that was going to work? (Not that plastic sheets and bottled water are going to save a nation either.)
d) What was wrong with communism? I’m not advocating we do it here, by any means, it wouldn’t work here, but that’s exactly my point! In the countries where is does work, and had been working before we smoked it out and crushed it, what was wrong with communism? Sure, they were trying to get other, smaller countries to operate that way, but so were we with democracy! We still do, in fact! We’re still afraid of communism, in some regards. It works for them where it doesn’t work for us,and democracy works for us the same way it wouldn’t for them. Why can’t we just end an argument by saying, ‘I’m not going to change your mind, and you’re not going to change my mind. Let’s put down our guns.’ So stupid.
a) I don’t hate them the way most people hate them. I mean, I don’t blame all of society’s ills on the ‘Baby-Boom Generation.’ Maybe I blame the ills of the ‘Baby-Boom Generation’s’ society on the Baby-Boomers, but I’ll comfortably blame the ills of ‘Generation X’s’ society on the Gen-Xers. What I hate is that we have to fucking blame everything on the Baby-Boomers! Still, to this day! Does anybody even know WHY we’re blaming stuff on them any more? Because I don’t. And one day, the last Baby-Boomer will die, and we’ll have no scapegoats, and the final headline will read: “Last of the Baby-Boomers Dead at 86, Baby-Boom Generation Held Responsible.” Why don’t we bring indictments if we’re so sure that they’re the cause and we’re the cure?
a) My sense of direction is better than MapQuest’s. Hell. I bet a woman’s sense of direction is better than MapQuest’s. Even with the hormones.
a) Just die.
b) Yeah, I get it, ‘football!’ But how’s the economy doing? Oh. Well, if the football players in Seattle or Cincinnati or wherever were to lose their jobs, they could be pretty assured that they’ll be able to do something else.
c) What good are you? I mean, what do you do, Pittsburgh? ‘Stand up and tell ’em you’re from Pittsburgh?’ Then what? Tell ’em that you don’t produce any steel any more? Or that the coal mines are empty? Or that the trains aren’t as proliferate as they used to be? That people don’t enjoy a good zombie flick any more?
d) You may beat Cincinnati, but I still have a reason to be smug. I’m reasonably more attractive than any of you Pittsburghers, and it will always be that way.
e) Just die.
a) I mean, I’m not afraid of death. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it, either. I really miss some people sometimes.
b) Oh, and people who are in love with death? Girls that want me to have sex with them in a cemetery, or guys who dress in all black with eyeliner or skeleton
hoodies. Get a life.
c) Even kittens die. Cold and alone.
56. The U.S. Mail.
a) You could be a little less commercial.
b) Just… a little.
c) It’s just… depressing anymore.
a) Everybody has the same problems. Really. It’s true. You’re not special because of it. In fact, most of us (the ones not buying the albums) suspect that you’re grandstanding for the record sales.
b) Jack Black, (the writer not the actor) once wrote: “I did not find fault with the fire, but gave thanks that I had the metal to temper it.” Be a fucking man, already.
c) Life couldn’t be any better, and it couldn’t be any worse, it’s just the way things are so you’d better get fucking used to it, Nancy.
d) Quit your bitching. I don’t care if it does pay the bills, or it it does get you laid, (which incidentally means you probably shouldn’t be bitching), in the end, it’s still just bitching.
e) Why does U2 have to so right?
60. Old People.
a) But, to be fair, you have to be pretty fucking twisted, or pretty fucking drunk, to actually LIKE vomiting.
62. Courtney Love.
a) You know what you did.
63. When there’s a sore in your mouth and you can’t stop tonguing it.
64. People who treat women like shit.
a) Yeah, that’s right. Women. We, the men of the world, can never figure out what it is you want, and I finally realized why. You want to know why? Because you can’t figure out what you want. You want a man who will treat you like shit. You want a man who will treat you like you ‘deserve to be treated.’ Transitive Property, ladies: You think you deserve to be treated like shit. If you want to be a feminist, then be a lesbian, because when you espouse those ideals, and then walk into a bar with the whole ‘innocent lamb’ routine and let a guy tease you, get you drunk, take you home, and then never call you again, you’re not exactly making a great statement for the cause. There are nice guys everywhere, and because of you, they are finishing last. In fact, most of those guys who are assholes don’t even want to be. They’re just the ones who fucking got it. They just understood that there’s this whole game where the rules are pretty much made up on the spot, but one of the cards says that most women are masochistic inconsistent maniacs, and the worse you pretend the treat them, the easier it is to get them to sleep with you.
b) And playing hard to get isn’t any better, because we still know what you’re up to.
c) You don’t need that much makeup.
d) If a man is acting like he’s afraid of commitment, he’s probably not generally afraid of commitment, jut afraid of commitment with you.
e) Here’s one you may not have been told about us: We don’t need your approval.
f) You know what your real problem is? The insecurity. Every other problem stems from the insecurity that you’ll make a good girlfriend, that you’ll meet a considerate guy, that you’ll give a good enough blow-job, that you can climb that corporate ladder, that daddy has ever loved you enough, that you’re tall enough, or maybe too tall, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or skilled enough, or experienced enough sexually. But guys aren’t that hard to figure out! We’re simpletons! We’re easy! Just pick one! Chances are, you try hard enough, one of us is going to pick you. Just keep trying. Stop asking if the dress makes you look fat, or if he was looking at another woman, or why he has to go out with the guys for wings, or whatever. Don’t believe what society has told you. You don’t have to choose. You get to choose.
g) But to some of those other women. Get that stick out of your ass. Who died and made you Marie Antoinette? Who the fuck are you waiting for that’s so damned perfect? What you have, in most cases, is fleeting, it’s fading, and you’re not getting any younger. I don’t care if you go and fuck a thousand insincere Lotharios or you actually get off of your high horse to see that Jim the mail clerk or Gus the auto body guy or Jason the performance artist are all hardworking, decent guys with plenty to offer but just do something! You will die alone one day with a hundred-thousand notches on your belt and not a single one worth a book report on and no one to hold your hand because you let ‘I dare not,’ wait upon ‘I would’ like the cat in the adage.
h) And to some of those other women, but not nearly all of you, you know who you are: Yeah, so, okay, we live in the twenty-first century, and sure, there’s protection and there’s a free spirit and this isn’t your Grandma’s America any more. But disease and pregnancy aside, (which I’m sure you’ve researched and considered), you look like a fucking whore. Granted, some guys like that. Hell, every guy likes it a little. But look a nun in the eye and tell her that no part of your physiology wants to settle down one day. That not a single atom wants a husband, kids, and/or a white picket fence. Have your fun. But be aware of the social consequences as well.
i) Now some specific women, though I won’t use their real names.
I) Natalie. What the fuck happened to you? I was young, so I guess I can’t say that I missed you too much, but Jesus, drop off the planet or something?
II) Amanda. You’re nothing special. It’s not like your shit smells like roses or anything. I wasted months on you. In the time I took to get you to go on a single date with me I could have gotten laid by a dozen others, and history would later show this possible. In fact, my later contemptible and (admittedly) regrettable behavior to women can most likely be traced back to you and this buffet to my self-esteem. Good job. Your display of sisterhood would make Lynda Carter proud. Now there was a woman that would be worthy of my time.
III) Alicia. That’s a terrible position to put me in and you know it. Great job. You cheat on your boyfriend and somehow I’m the bad guy. To this fucking day I’ll never get over how much of a cockbite that makes me. I’ve never been cheated on myself, but I think I understand the concept, and that the ‘other guy’ is breaking a code that we’re all supposed to abide by. Yeah, I was better for you than he was. And yeah, you were the best thing that has ever fucking happened to me. But at the end of it all we had nothing to fucking show for it. So great. Learning experience, I guess.
IV) Miranda. When I said that I needed my space. I meant it. That was not going to go anywhere, and it was just going to save us all a lot of time, heartache and strain to quit while we were ahead, or, more accurately, only that far behind. At some point you have to cut your losses.
V) Nicole. I was the best thing that ever happened to you, and if you couldn’t see that then so be it. I have other options. Careers and relationships are not mutually exclusive, as exhibited by couples every day.
VI) Lisa. You’ll never know. You can’t read between the fucking lines, can you? Well let me be clear, then. You have ruined the entire thing for me. For years I was miserable thinking about you and instead of just saying something when I saw you every fucking day, I woke up right there, and instead tortured myself by going out and distracting myself with other girls. Girls! Not women! Knowing that I could never have you and that I might as well give up and forget it and stop thinking about it and somehow it was the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life, and I don’t think I ever want to go through with it again. I can’t afford you any longer. Be happy. Goodbye.
66. The Past
67. The Present
68. The Future
70. When I’m sick.
71. Not having a pet monkey.
72. The fact that everyone turns into their parents.
73. Wild Irish Rose that has been sitting out for a while.
a) Don’t ask.
74. Words like ‘garrulous,’ and ‘turgid,’ and ‘pleonastic,’ and ‘palaverous,’ and ‘loquacious,’ and ‘prolix,’ and ‘aureate,’ and ‘grandiloquent,’ and ‘fustian,’ and ‘magniloquent,’ and ‘orotund,’ and ‘sonorous.’
a) Okay. Now I know they’re just making shit up.
75. People who need other peoples’ approval…
a) For their image.
b) For their attitude.
c) For their life choices.
d) For their likes/dislikes, and especially their loves and their hates.
76. The Futility of Man.
a) As you cut your hair, it is still growing. As you shave, it is still growing. When you brush your teeth, they’re just going to get dirty again. When you make the bed, it’s just going to get messy again.
b) You will never have all of the knowledge in this world, in this country, even in your hometown. You will die knowing jack-shit about anything.
c) The odds of meeting an extraterrestrial, of one even visiting this planet, are few and far between, considering the aether between us and the nearest rock, let alone the nearest rock that could support life. Bill Watterson wrote, “The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere is that none of it has tried to contact us.”
d) You have no idea what happens to us when we die. You won’t, either, until you do, and even then…
77. Andrew Lloyd Weber.
a) ‘Cats’ is the worst thing to happen to Broadway. Ever.
b) ‘Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat’ isn’t worth the shit on Tevye’s shoes.
c) ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ is, Jesus Christ, Subpar.
d) I won’t cry for you, Argentina.
e) You ruined ‘Phantom of the Opera.’
f) Joel Schumacher is history’s greatest monster.
78. When you have something in your shoe and you don’t want to stop and get it out.
79. When people crack their knuckles.
a) Because one of them is me.
a) Always changing their minds.
a) Too stubborn to.
82. Whoever killed President John F. Kennedy.
a) I wasn’t there, nor was I even alive then, and I don’t know who it was, but if I ever find out, there is going to be hell to pay. And there are a lot more of me where I came from, which is exactly why the lid is still on this thing. Kennedy, philandering though he may have been, would have done to American society what Tesla did to physics and engineering. I ofttimes wonder if the people who did it, whoever they are, can look themselves in the mirror, can sleep a wink at night, to think that their petty needs, reactionary selfishness, would be more important than the social, cultural, and ethical changes that needed to be made here in America to more closely stick to our ideals. You are the reason that America is behind. You are the reason our economy, our values, our boys at war, are in danger.
83. The hippies.
a) What the hell did you accomplish? When it was all said and done, did you change the world? Vietnam went on as long as it would have anyways, and you had nothing to do with it. We reached the moon without your help. The only changes you made were in music, movies, literature and art, all of which within ten years of the sixties had been recuperated by the social machine. In fact, your ‘revolutionary’ ideas about free love, tuning on, turning off, and dropping out, as well as your lackadaisical attitudes towards military protection, national security, and civic awareness are the cause of many of society’s problems, including the poor voter turnout, lack of a governmental watchdog service, apathetic investigative journalism, American promiscuity and drug abuse. What did you have to say that the beat generation hadn’t already said more eloquently, less ignorantly, and ten years earlier. What did you have to say that hadn’t already been said in Paris years before? What did you have to say that a soldier’s mother wasn’t already thinking? Peaceful protest only helped other groups because they often had a martyr, and didn’t look like a bunch of self-serving Dionysian pricks and coke-heads. The Weathermen were the only ones who worried the FBI, because they actually blew shit up, but now the man on the street is hard-pressed to remember them. I think the most worrisome part about it all was that you were protesting all the wrong things.
84. The current President of the United States of America.
a) To our current President, what the hell are you thinking? This country is not your personal playground. These people are not things. These people are not as dumb as you think they are, though apparently, plenty of them are. You can have the military, and the news, and the money, and some of those blind supporters, and granted, that’s a lot. But when the shit hits the fan there’s always doing to be dissent. Mark Twain once said, “Two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead.” Some of us won’t go gently into that good night. Many of us happen to have minds of our own. Do you ever feel bad? Do you ever wonder what you’re doing in those other countries? Do you ever think about that young idealism, playing out in the grass as a child, or when you first realized that anybody could be president? What about as a young man, who thought that he could change the world, or when you realized that not just anybody could be president, only certain people have a serious run at it, and then you realized that one of them was you? Did you feel bad about that? Even for a moment? Did you want to change it? Did at any point you think you were going to make a change, maybe while reading a segment of Roosevelt’s essay on “The American Boy,” or how to be a good American man? When did that change? Can you honestly say that every single decision that you’ve made has been in the public good? Because I don’t think a modest or hell, even an honest man would claim that. What I’m talking about are your most deplorable of actions. Who made you policeman of the world, and don’t say the same man who wrote “The American Boy,” because look where it got us then. How many countries are under our thumbs? Okay, great, but where has that gotten us? What good are they? If I could honestly believe that were were expending our resources for the full, altruistic good of those little nations then I’d go along with you. But really, now. We both know it’s all maneuvering, it’s all a racket, and it’s all politics. Tell me it’s any better here at home. Why are we in a country with valuable resources fighting their battles and feeding their starving when in Detroit, Michigan there are valuable resources and battles and starving still to this day? I’m not asking you to fix all of the problems, fuck, at this juncture, I think it’s safe to say that I wouldn’t ask you to fix one. I just want you, Mr. President, to stop causing more. Look at our track record, Mr. President, and tell me that the quagmire we’re in, and the next one and the next one, isn’t just the result of some poorly-strategized and ill-conceived, half-assed attempt out of the last one, and the last one, all the way back to WWII, all the way back to WWI, to the Spanish-American War, the Civil War… Fuck, the whole thing was jinxed from the get-go, but you and I still have faith in this thing to work, this experiment by the Founding Fathers. The French had their Revolution, after ours, in fact, by fourteen years or so, and though we make fun of them, what problems have they had? It’s been rocky, sure. Dien Bien Phu in 1954. May of 1968. Muslim protests in 2005. But comparatively, how are we different? Or does that even matter? I’m not saying that they’re not trying to screw over their citizens, or that its a better place to live, or mentioning their lower rate of gun killings, and I’m certainly not saying I’d rather live there than the United States. It’s just a comparison, and as you know, comparisons are odious. But when did it all change? Can we pinpoint it? Was it Hiroshima? The Japanese detainment? The soldiers bringing home teeth and skulls? Was it Vietnam? The Death of JFK? Watergate? The Cold War? The Gulf War? Mr. President. There exists now a wall between the American Government and its people that wasn’t always there. We live in a modern age. Of computers and assault rifles and the internet and glass houses and religious fanaticism and fast cars and fancy products and television indoctrination and digital inanimate objects and cloaks and daggers and secrets and conspiracy from all sides. It wasn’t always like this. Mr. President. Tear down this wall. You can only push it so far. These people are Americans, and while you may have used that to blind them, in the end, it will be their saving grace. For eventually, some people will start to push back.
85. The Average American.
a) Most likely, you, the Average American, is an object of my ambiguous hate and derision. Blind sheep. Enjoying the scenery. Can’t see the woods for the trees. One of Bacon’s chickens. Other mixed metaphors. Have a thought of your own! Look around you! Can’t you see what they’re lining up to do? Yeah, so, okay, pass it all off as conspiracy nut bunk. Laugh. Make a joke. It’ll make it that much harder when you wait until the last minute to batten down the hatches. Do you vote? Would you actually show up for jury duty? Proudly? The last time you noticed something you didn’t like, did you write your Congressman? There’s plenty you can do that doesn’t cost a dime. Words are free. Speech is free. Assembly is free. Liberty is free. Maybe that’s why so many people think that it’s worthless, and looking around, sometimes I wonder, too. Look past the scenery. Ask an important question for once in your life! No! I’m not going to tell you what it is! You have to come up with your own important questions! Your own original ones! “I don’t need to own a gun. I don’t need to vote. They don’t have to separate church and state all that much.” Benjamin Franklin once said, that those willing to give up their liberties for security deserve neither. And Thomas Jefferson said that every generation needs a revolution. He also said that it is incumbent on us to pay our own debts as we go. So I guess, according to Tom, we’ve got at least two strikes, and don’t care much to protect our rights, either. The NRA doesn’t argue the most important point. You don’t need a gun to hunt. You don’t need a gun to protect your family from burglars. You need a gun, because the British ad guns! And the current administration has guns! And they’ve got more of them, and they’ve got better ones than you can get, and they’ll even chip away at that! Yeah, so, okay! Maybe I’m a conspiracy nut! Maybe it’ll never happen, and in fact, I hope it doesn’t, but plenty of you were in the scouts! Plenty of you were prepared! Plenty of you bought plastic sheets when you heard about the dirty bombs, and you know what, maybe guns against Martial Law are about as effective, but it’s a shot, right? It’s your shot. And what’s it cost you to be prepared against the worst, as opposed to what you could lose. In economics, my friends, this is called Opportunity Cost. And this is the Land of Opportunity.
86. Every fist-fight I’ve ever been in.
a) With Michael, because it wasn’t even his fault, some other kid named AJ just wanted to see us fight. We became good friends after that, Mike and I, though we lost touch after high school, and I sort of miss him now that he has passed away in a car accident. So it goes.
b) With Cody, whom I realize now was just displacing. He had a lot to learn I’m sure I wasn’t helping any. Jocks can get picked on too, I guess, in certain ways.
c) With Steve. “Be not glad at the misfortune of another, though he may be your enemy.” -George Washington.
d) Street hockey doesn’t count.
e) Siblings and relatives generally don’t count.
87. When friends depart.
88. When friends fight/When friends put me in the middle.
89. When people fuck with my friends.
91. The End of the World.
a) Just fucking get it over with already.
92. When my knee hurts.
a) Thanks a lot for that, too, ‘Alicia.’ Get a bigger car, already.
93. When things get lost or stolen.
a) A Tiny Tunes sticker book from the third grade.
b) CDs including but not limited to: The Cream of Clapton, Bob Marley’s Legend, Deepest Purple: The Best of Deep Purple, The Beatles’ Abbey Road, Beatles One, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon, Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath, The Best of Doobie Brothers, Santana’s Supernatural, The Best of Marvin Gaye Vol. I & II, John Lennon’s Wonsaponatime, Frank Sinatra’s Gold Hits, Billy Joel’s Greatest Hits Vol. I & II, Paul McCartney’s Flaming Pie, every ‘Weird Al Yankovic,’ Riding With the King by Eric Clapton and B.B. King, Eric Clapton Unplugged, Paul McCartney: All the Best!, The Yellow Submarine Songtrack, Hell Freezes Over by the Eagles, and Jimi Hendrix’ Are You Experienced?
c) Vinyl including but not limited to: The Best of the Doors, A Tribute to Mumia-abu Jamal, Elvis’ Moody Blue (blue vinyl), and Ringo Starr’s Blast From Your Past.
d) That sweet black Tombstone-eque Boss-of-the-Plains open-crowned stiff wide-brimmed cowboy hat.
e) Ideas on the back of a Tom’s Diner placemat.
f) DVDs including but not limited to: Scarface, Adaptation, High Noon, Aqua Teen Hunger Force Volume III, Snatch, Fight Club (Special Edition), Se7en (Special Edition), Memento (Special Edition), Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Dead Man, The Losty Skeleton of Cadavra, Invader Zim: Volume III, Punch-Drunk Love, Big Fish, Clerks: Tenth Anniversary, The Indiana Jones Trilogy, The Back to the Future Trilogy, Reservoir Dogs: Mr. Blonde case, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Fargo (Special Edition), The Doors (Special Edition), Pi: Faith in Chaos, and 12 Monkeys.
g) Z?: Johnny the Homicidal Manic: Director’s Cut and Squee by Jhonen Vasquez, The Big Book of the Paranormal, Dharma Bums by Kerouac, the Paranormal Investigator’s Handbook, the Astral Projection Handbook, and the Psychic Workbook… so I went through a phase.
95. When I can’t remember something that I know that I know.
96. Not wanting to get up in the morning.
97. Snarky people.
98. My hometown.
a) But doesn’t everybody?
a) Why? i don’t even want to go into the why-nots because the people who tell them have told them a million times and continue to do so and the people who need to hear it are never going to change so I guess until they all miraculously die out I just want one simple question answered. Why? Why are you racist? I want one, solid, non-self-serving reason why racism is a good thing. You’re not going to change my mind, as I seriously doubt that you could come up with anything that isn’t archaic, ignorant, or both, that would make me suddenly stand up from my chair and say, “Damn, I suppose you’re right! Maybe I should be a racist!” but with so much sound opposition on the other side, can’t you defend your argument any more than to say, “It’s how we’ve lived for so long? Such-and-such race threatens our way of life”? Yeah, and hundreds of years ago, people believed that insects came out of little pieces of sand. To say: “They’re taking all of our jobs!” Tell me that it makes any sense for you to be more pissed a Mexican or an African American to take a job you supposedly ‘deserved’ than if a white person took it. Would you be just as pissed then? To say: “They’re a waste of skin.” What sort of ignorance is that, and where the fuck does it come from? Who has a monopoly on skin, or the gene pool for that matter, to say that you deserve a spot on the hierarchy, that you deserve a certain chunk of real estate, and that other people better stay the fuck out? To say: “They intermarry, they dilute the gene pool, they send their kids to the same schools, they make our neighborhoods bad, they bring down the property values, they’re lazy!” And you know what? If they want to marry your daughter or give you grandkids and send those kids to school and live in a nice (pure conjecture) neighborhood like yours, then exactly where are they different? So you say you hate them because they hate you. And they say that they hate you because you hate them. And then there’s another group and another group and you know when the end of it will be? When there’s something else to hate. Face it. You’re just afraid of them. White of black, black of white, white of Hispanic or Asian of white it doesn’t matter. Fear leads to hatred, and if the only thing to fear is fear itself then the only thing to hate is hatred.
a) Transitive Property.