I am so fucked!!!

That’s right, three exclamation points warranted type fucked!!! I am so failing like two classes out of my five which may be the end of my already tenuous tenure at the school hanging by the thread of my 3.0 (once upon a time ago a 3.8). It’s all because of hours. One would expect to stop smoking pot and become MORE motivated. Jesus, I hate going to school. I need to move to another town, and I plan on doing it, its just that for Dog’s sakes I’m so close to graduating, why can’t I just keep my shit together for like four more months? EVEN if I pass the Editing class, and even if I re-take Chemistry next semester online (which is only five weeks and not so bad), even if I can overcome the bullshit impeding my Film II and Senior Project and VFX classes, and pass those, it means that I’ll have to take six classes next quarter (plus Portfolio), and that’s NOT including the online Chemistry, and I have to graduate next semester because my loans will run out if I don’t, neither my parents nor I can get new ones, and I don’t even have a (legal) job! I feel that that run-on sentence was necessary.

I have my backup plans. I can just go wherever the wind takes me, file for poverty status so that I don’t have to pay back my student loans, travel the rails as a hobo and die happily staring up at the stars created just for me one night. Or, I can join the Air Force, and then I can maybe get enough money to come back to school, though ideally, I wanted to join the Marines, and IDEALLY, I wanted to join with a degree already so that I can go straight from boot camp into officer training. Or; I can fake my death and change my name, (which I do know how to do, strangely), and go to another college under that assumed name, worst case scenario; they catch me and throw me in jail for not paying my debts, but at least then I’ll have shelter and three square meals a day. Working at a shit job for a while really isn’t an option, because without a degree any job I get will only be enough to survive on, not enough to save anything up and go back to school. So it’s either military or hobo, I guess. Darling, I don’t know why I go to extremes.

So here’s the plan, short-term. I’m going to continue to show up to my supposedly failed class, do the assignments, and hope to God that he has enough compassion to pass me. I’m going to finish the assignments for those other classes in these remaining four weeks. I am going to, and I hate to say it, dare I say it, don’t tell anyone, apply for my old job back at Peppi’s, because nobody, not even the shittiest jobs in Pittsburgh, will fucking hire me.

I wish that abstracts were personified, because then I’d know how to deal with them. I really wanted to beat the shit out of my ‘stupor at not being to get a job.’ I really wanted to punch ‘aimless directionlessness life’ right in the goddamned face. And I really wanted to kick ‘pain from shitting out chicken wings the next day’ right in his crotch.

And I swear to God, if I don’t figure out what I want from life soon I’m going to start busting some skulls of random (but wise-looking) people on the street trying to get the answers.

Wax off.


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