the YOU WILL NEVER List

1. YOU WILL NEVER write a bestselling novel of 300 pages or more
2. YOU WILL NEVER start an art movement
3. YOU WILL NEVER whittle a masterpiece
4. YOU WILL NEVER fly an airplane
5. YOU WILL NEVER jump from a moving airplane
6. YOU WILL NEVER win a boxing match
7. YOU WILL NEVER win 30 games of Solitaire in a row
8. YOU WILL NEVER shake hands with a president of the United States
9. YOU WILL NEVER learn Italian
10. YOU WILL NEVER be a United States Marine
11. YOU WILL NEVER be entirely honest with yourself and another person
12. YOU WILL NEVER walk through 48 states consecutively
13. YOU WILL NEVER drink a gallon of milk in under an hour
14. YOU WILL NEVER play the violin
15. YOU WILL NEVER own a boat
16. YOU WILL NEVER learn to swim
17. YOU WILL NEVER tame a wild horse
18. YOU WILL NEVER read the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica
19. YOU WILL NEVER give away all worldly posessions but the clothes on your back
20. YOU WILL NEVER backpack through Europe
21. YOU WILL NEVER make love on a Friday the Thirteenth
22. YOU WILL NEVER go ten days without sleep
23. YOU WILL NEVER leave a woman who loves you for absolutely no reason
24. YOU WILL NEVER bet $1000 or more and win
25. YOU WILL NEVER climb a mountain
26. YOU WILL NEVER own a dark green ’51 Jaguar
27. YOU WILL NEVER learn to drive
28. YOU WILL NEVER break a toe on purpose
29. YOU WILL NEVER enter yourself into a mental hospital
30. YOU WILL NEVER own a four-story building or higher
31. YOU WILL NEVER work for the Walt Disney company
32. YOU WILL NEVER cook a perfect Redfish Almondine
33. YOU WILL NEVER sleep a night on the mean streets of Detroit
34. YOU WILL NEVER eat one-hundred peeps
35. YOU WILL NEVER lift 400 pounds
36. YOU WILL NEVER live 365 days in New Orleans, LA
37. YOU WILL NEVER learn to ride a bike
38. YOU WILL NEVER piss on Sigmund Freud’s grave
39. YOU WILL NEVER fall hopelessly and irrevocably in love
40. YOU WILL NEVER be arrested for vandalism
41. YOU WILL NEVER be shot somewhere with a gun
42. YOU WILL NEVER make the world’s largest pancake
43. YOU WILL NEVER understand quantum physics
44. YOU WILL NEVER be buried alive for an hour
45. YOU WILL NEVER play ‘Flight of the Bumblebee’ on harmonica
46. YOU WILL NEVER teach eleventh grade English
47. YOU WILL NEVER discover a part of the Earth hitherto undiscovered by man
48. YOU WILL NEVER try a court case
49. YOU WILL NEVER be a firefighter
50. YOU WILL NEVER travel the diameter of Australia
51. YOU WILL NEVER completely change someone else’s life for the better
52. YOU WILL NEVER try LSD at the tender age of 70
53. YOU WILL NEVER be buried in Hawaii
54. YOU WILL NEVER see beyond all this bullshit

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