The season is upon us, dear readers, for insincerity and consumerism! I saw my first commercial there about a week after Halloween, which, I suppose, means that they held off on us by a few months this year. “What is this the season for? Savings, of course! All Pontiacs no APR, over invoice, tool and dye, stop those holiday snoopers and drop those holiday pounds!” I defy you! That’s right, Ted Turner, Coca-Cola, Tim Allen and Hallmark Cards (a subsidiary of Doom, Inc.), I defy you and your crass tasteless gauche regime devoid of any goodwill towards your fellow man! I not only renounce your holiday for what it has so slowly become that, even though we all notice, nobody seems to mind, I renounce it, boycott it, and substitute my own like ranch dressing in place of Caesar on that salad at the diner in Mt. Washington! I hereforetowith am celebrating Christday! (Festivus for the rest of us is also a nice option, like the GPS on your jetta). Christday, on which, I will be heading down to Carson Street with a clipboard, a billfold, and the most amazing display of brawn and determined gritty ambition ever to step out of Bethlehem, that Prince of Men, the King of the Jews, the Shepherd of the flock, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus Christ! (portrayed by one Lee Powell). and in the other corner, ladies and most gentle of gentlemen, hailing from the frozen north, where he trains three-hundred and some sixty-four days out of the year, the man in red, that jolly old elf, Saaaaaaaaaaaaint Nicholas! (portrayed by the South Side Santa). And, for a limited time offer, you can up the ante, parlay the long shot, and venture your odds on a speculation of a wager down on this pot of a raffle… (thank you Roget) ‘Tis the season for PAYOLA! Getta you tootsie fruitsie ice cream! It’s not a ‘if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em’ attitude so much as a ‘if you can’t beat ’em, satirize the hell out of ’em’ thing.
In other nonsecular news, my roommates and I have exchanged names for a secret samurai gift exchange. Immediately, and I mean, IMMEDIATELY, Professor Madness fucked it up by saying that he had El Cocco. And since there are only four of us, and each of us then know who Professor Madness has and who we each have, it spoils the entire fucking process. If Prof. Madness has El Cocco, and I know that I have Prof. Madness, then that means that since the Zombie King cannot have El Cocco or himself then he must have me and that El Cocco must then have the Zombie King. I didn’t say anything, but I have enough faith in everybody (Prof. Madness excluded) to figure this out by themselves between now and March seventh. Oh, I forgot to tell them that for Christday, you exchange gifts on March seventh.
Laissez les bon temps roulez!