Thank God that I have class!

Thank God that I have class, and additionally, that I am also enrolled in classes! If I wasn’t enrolled in classes, I wouldn’t be able to skip them and duck off to the computer lab when I should be either reading or writing a resume, and if I didn’t have CLASS then I wouldn’t be able to make it look so good. Hot Damn!

What is class? Philosophers would tell you that it was “a set, collection, group, or configuration containing members regarded as having certain attributes or traits in common; a kind or category.” Those philosophers are stupid, overly pragmatic, and will probably die in a hurricane trying to reconcile the demonstrative physical properties of rain with its absurdist existence as a chaotic system in a clearly designed universe. Leave them. They’re dead to us.

Class is simply this: Stride.

I list many things in my head as classy, from Adam West to jazz music to French Enlightenment. My old guitar instructor had class. He was practically homeless, diabetic, broke, fameless, consistently drunk, and had just knocked up an asian girl half his age when he told me that life couldn’t be any better and it couldn’t be any worse so what was the point in complaining about it. He planned on being a good father to this illegitimate child even if it meant starving himself to death in the cold.

Civil Rights equals class, and most black people (though not nearly all) still have class. Rosa Parks had class. Anyone staging a ‘sit-in’ has class. People with signs of aborted fetuses intended for shock value do NOT have class. People who spraypaint other people’s furs with the word ‘murder’ do NOT have class. A single mother who toils endlessly for a better future for her children at her own expense and never says a word, has CLASS. But among them, in fact, ranking in at number one, is a quote that a friend of mine, Seth, said as he watched his house burn to the ground with his portfolio, his artwork, his pets and all his worldly belongings going up in not-so proverbial flames, “Well, at least now I can be one of those guys who says that I had everything before the fire.”

But you don’t need to be facing adversity to have class. You just need stride. Life deals a great many things at you, some good, some bad, and it takes a classy person indeed to have the ability to take it all in stride, evaluate, and react coolly, slowly, methodically, and confidently… well… with class. Jackson Pollock had class. Hunter S. Thompson, not so much, but still quite a bit. Mitch Hedberg oozes class.

Do you see why James Bond is so classy? It’s not his bankroll or his smugness or his success with ladies. Those, in fact, are all but tertiary to his classiness. No. It takes a classy hombre indeed to be strapped down to a table facing a laserbeam to the crotch and still have the wits about you to get yourself out of the situation.

The BEST evidence of class is Terry Malloy in “On the Waterfront.” Just check out that shit! Many older movies had examples of this, like Clark Gable, like Marlon Brando, like Humphrey Bogart, like Robert Redford, like Paul Newman, like Dustin Hoffman. Carrot-Top does NOT have class.

CLASS
Clint Eastwood
Fran Drescher
Mr. T
Miles Davis
That crazy guy who sells artwork on Southside and has hair coming out of his nostrils
Ben Franklin
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Rocky Balboa
Rudy Giuliani (even if he does have people killed)
Matt Murdock
Audrey Hepburn
Zeno of Citium

NO CLASS
Karl Rove
The Rosenbergs
Auric Goldfinger

Donald Trump (even if he does have people killed)
Caligula
Richard Milhaus Nixon
That really fat kid in Graphic Design who never washes and is constantly looking for somebody’s approval
William Randolph Hearst
Joseph Pulitzer
Mike Eisner
Doctor Dre
Jennifer Love-Hewitt playing Audrey Hepburn
School on Sunday

Phrases such as the following, contain elements of class:
Come si come sa
Que Sera Sera
Hakuna Matata
Feh
Free Mumia
Free Tibet
Free Samples
Free Your Head
Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez
End apartheid

These phrases contain little to no elements of class
Journalistic Integrity
Military Intelligence
Business Ethics
Dog-Eat-Dog
Leftism
Bad Craziness
Merde
Doug Dickey
The Almighty Dollar
You Think You’re Better Than Me??
Anything said by those preachy TRUTH kids

Now, to brag; (which i must admit is not particularly classy)

I am classy because even though I know I am behind and in trouble in most if not all of my classes, it doesn’t get me down. I accept what I have done wrong, regret nothing, and move along. I know what I have to do for the most part and I know the rest of it will come to me in good time. I took the seven classes and I knew what I was doing when I did it and I could have taken eight and been in the same boat or even six or five for that matter. What good would it do me to panic now? No. You see, I am perfectly comfortable writing on the internet now or perhaps having a few beers later for life is not set in stone. Only certain parts of it are, specifically, the stone portions. The rest of it moves around, and I can do plenty of moving of myself and the flexible elements around me. I have, to a certain extent, what so many people wish they had; the ability to change what I can, the capacity to accept what I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Whoever first said that line, friends, had class!

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