Yes. The past forty-eight some odd hours have been very trying. I have been extremely happy at the luck of the draw yesterday, including but not limited to the fact that I didn’t even have to take my American History II final because I already aced the class, and free Chinese food, (thank you Willow), appreciative of good friends, frustrated by people who take advantage of them, angered at the fact that some friends allow themselves to be manipulated by others, no matter what is told to them, and helpless at that as well, ineffective, concern over so many friends, especially one I consider a little brother who wants to drop out of school and not reach his dreams, sadness at the breakup of a beautiful group of friends in a very special house that has meant a lot to them and to me, loss due to that, parting, sweet sorrow, and because I was helping to move, exhaustion, tense, and on my last nerve at moments when Professor Madness wouldn’t stop complaining. So patience, we’ll say. Uselessness that my cousin still hasn’t called, so worry on that level. Rage, an emotion I rarely indulge in (but when I do, oh brother), because I got a tear-filled call from a dear friend I consider a little sister and I suspect some shit happened to her as a result of a dickhead boyfriend, though she was too upset to give details. Which makes me afraid, paranoid, concerned to say the least. So I am still awaiting some type of relief. Later, there was joy. happiness because I know that I have generous, helpful, and valuable friends who would sooner jump in front of a bullet for me or buy me a much-needed lunch, as well as accept from me a word of comfort, love, and a helpful hand whenever I can extend it, which I can only hope will be always. Acceptance and growth because I know that a woman I love can not be mine, never shall be mine, and though this does sadden me, in some sort of sick paradox, it makes me happy because I know she is much happier with who she is with, and her happiness lights my world enough to eradicate any petty jealousy or self-pity I may have had. I always have loved her, I always will love her, and while I can’t hope to get rid of that, nor would I want to, perhaps I can learn to be *in* love with somebody else.
Anxiety and fear because I have a very complicated final project, a website, to complete by six o clock tonight and I am already a week behind because it was deleted from the student server *again*. Finally, apathy and grief because I have been awake too long to give a shit. Physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted.
So the only two emotions I think I haven’t gone through are stoned and drunk, which if I pass this class tonight I intend to delve very deeply into, let me tell you.
But also, each emotion is valuable, necessary, and filled with utility. Thank you to all of my dearest friends in my entire life who have added to what I am and to those that will make me what I shall become. I love each and every one of you, and I reflect as much as possible on the greatness of this feeling, this ambiguous emotion I feel right now as I type this, with no distinct name