Well, there’s one woman out there who loves me unconditionally…

Amendment to prior whining and complaining:

I received this email from my mother, and although my birthday is still a ways away, I was very touched and felt a need to share it. Though she can be trying at times, and I do bitch about her from time to time, and since Mother’s Day is also coming up, I still love my mommy. Bleh. Here’s this much….

“Every year about this time, I start thinking about when you arrived.  And really, it’s not so much when you arrived but how you arrived.  It never did seem like you put a lot of effort into it and it caused me a great deal of pain and stress, pretty much like nowadays.

So I don’t know how much detail I have told you in the past, but now I think you should know.

I was 27 years old at the time and working at Hawaii Construction Supply.  Richard (a co-worker) was still picking us up a hot fudge cake daily at Bob’s Big Boy.  No Frisch’s in Hawaii.  My boss Gene DeMello was still allowing me to go home and nap in the afternoons because his wife told him to.  Well anyways, I was so tired of being pregnant, there was seven days left before you were due.  I was torn, did I want the peace and solitude of the moment or did I want some baby screaming constant at the top of his lungs?  Guess what I picked?

Well, on Friday, when I left work, I told Nate and Richard that I wouldn’t be back Monday because I was having the baby this weekend.  I believe I actually said it more out of just wanting the whole ordeal over than anything else.

So on Saturday morning I had a regular doctor visit, but when we arrived, the doctor wasn’t in, he had left for the hospital to go deliver another baby.

The nurse wanted to re-schedule but I told her I thought I should see the doctor because the amniotic fluid sac had broken, they refer to that as the water broke.

So we went to McDonald’s and waited about an hour for the doctor.  When we went back tot he office, he said, yes, we are going to have a baby today.  He was wrong.  He said if I did not go in normal labor  to go to the hospital at 5 PM.

Well, I never went into normal labor so you wasted my whole day, and it was a Saturday!

We went to the hospital and checked in at 5 PM like we were told to do.  Still no sign that you were going to do this the right way and come out on your own, that should have been my first warning.

So they had to induce labor with drugs.  In case you have never been pregnant, having to have labor induced is the most painful thing a person may encounter in their life.  But wait, here’s the worst part, when they induce labor, the baby is supposed to still eventually come out on it’s own.  But no, you had to do it your way, make other people do all the work for you.

I was in painful labor from about 8 PM with a heart monitor attached to me to read your heart.  I could only lay on one side because when I moved, the heart monitor would flat line. Talk about freaking out the staff, they did not like my screaming at all.

So from 8 PM until 4 AM, that’s 8 hours in case you are not wearing a watch, I was fully dilated and in constant labor (pains).  You were supposed to be born on your own by 4 AM, preferably 5PM the day before.  Between 4 and 5 AM, there was a discussion on how to get you to come out, I said just cut him out and the doctor said he did not have a machete (I don’t think I spelled that right) but it’s a big sharp weapon.

Anyways, they finished their discussion about 4 to 5 hours later.  So here’s how things stood at about 8:30 AM, your Dad was sleeping on the couch in the lobby,  the nurse they assigned me was still calling me Mrs. Zigfeld, I was tired from not sleeping all night, in pain AND hungry.  At least I thought the doctor was in control, little did I know what he had in mind until I saw the largest pair of salad tongs ever made.

By the way, have you ever had a football pulled out or your nostril?

On Sunday, at 9:01 AM Pacific Time, the doctor decided you definitely were not coming out on your own, what a smart doctor.  His name was William McKenzie, no relation.  And since your amniotic sac had broken about 24 hours before, they had to get you out for your own safety.  Asking you nicely hadn’t worked, neither had explaining the situation in a reasonable fashion or yelling at you.  PRETTY MUCH LIKE NOW.  So the doctor had to drag you out.  And it’s seems like you have a history with doing that.  Well, I want to tell you, I din’t like it!  Not one bit!!!  So please, for the sake of your now very old mother, please don’t be a pain.  Please do things when you are asked to.  And please don’t take an unnecessary extra 24 hours to respond from now on.

And let me tell you this, it’s not like it got any better any time soon.  I was still hungry after that ordeal and all they could offer was cold oatmeal.  You were screaming non-stop for about 39 minutes.  No, not one of those little baby cries, more like a blood curdling scream.  And not just for the first few minutes, it did go on for about a half of an hour.  Plus you didn’t look so good at first so I guess it was a good thing I had an empty stomach.

They wheeled me away to a room where I could get into an actual bed, they wheeled you away in one of those acrylic and chrome carts into the nursery.  The nursery only had one other infant in it, the one born the day before, he was blonde you had a head full of dark hair.  He was sleeping, you were not.  He was not crying, you were.

When they brought you into me later to feed you, they had cleaned you up and I looked down at you and saw the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my life.  I didn’t know what to think, I couldn’t believe that God could give me such a beautiful precious little baby.  You see, you cleaned up real well and was pleasant to have around when you had stopped crying.

You and I stayed at General Hospital until Wednesday morning.  We had a parade of visitors and lots of flowers.

My only complaint (ha ha) was that they kept bringing you every time you cried.  That got really old after awhile so the second time they did it, I asked why.  The nurse told me that the Pediatrician had marked your chart “feed on demand”.  So another mistake made by the medical community, “feed on demand”, like you were already not dictating everything I was doing.  Can I be the boss yet?

So Wednesday finally came and the nurse took us in a wheel chair to the car.  unfortunately, the car seat was not installed properly and she would not let us leave with you until it was.  I suggested we leave the car seat instead of taking the baby, she was having no part of that.  Besides, we had paid a lot for the car seat.  So after about 20 to 30 minutes of fiddling with the seat, we finally got it in securely.  What I didn’t realize was that even though we had purchased a safe car seat, you were so tiny.  Oh didn’t I mention that before?  You were too small to wear the outfit home form the hospital that we had brought for you, you had to wear a tiny little t-shirt the hospital gave you.  Well, the other downside to being so tiny was that your little head flopped from side to side in the car seat.  Being a new mother, I wasn’t sure what to do, so I held your head the whole car ride home so it wouldn’t work itself off.  Now doesn’t that give you a great sense of security?

I’d like to mention at this point that I was really hungry by now (four days later) and was looking forward to going home, eating and getting some rest.  But you had other evil plans for your mother.  Oh yeah, another thing in all of the confusion I forgot to mention, you had a mild case of Jaundice.  I don’t know if I spelled that right either.  The Pediatrician told us that we had to lay you in direct sunlight twice a day and flip you after ten minutes.  Althoughe you were small, we didn’t have a spatula that size.  Your jaundice didn’t last long but again, it freaked me out.

Every time I wanted to eat or sleep you cried or made some kind of baby sigh noises that freaked me out.  I was finally losing the weight I had always wanted to lose but I was lethargic and malnourished.  The downside was that since you were breast fed, you were not getting enough nutrition.  Well this baby stuff that the media tries to pull over on you is nothing but crap.  As if they are nothing but cuteness.  The poop stinks and they throw up on you, and that stinks too.

I would say around the age of four or five months I became really attached to.  I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, it may have been after the first good nights sleep I had in a year or that I finally realized that in order to eat a meal, I had to leave home.  But whatever it was, I realized I really liked you and I felt good about that!

So I wanted to do something special for you for your birthday like take you to Hawaii or Chipotle, but since I can’t afford either at this point, I poured my heart and soul into the beginning of your biography.  It’s a good thing I put all of this in writing because the story changes every year.

I did not do spell check because I thought it would be funnier that way.  I love you and hope you have a great birthday!!

And yes as always, if you need anything, just let me know.


I didn’t know what to say to that, so i just sent a reply email that read, “You’re not so bad yourself, you know.”

I am such a tool. But it explains why I like Frisch’s hot fudge cake and cold oatmeal.


4 responses to “Well, there’s one woman out there who loves me unconditionally…

  1. WARNING: Girly moment…
    AWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! ^___^

    • Curses!
      Cut to me: bearing my soul and shit. Dammit, this is worse than showing you naked baby pictures. So now I’m banking on the hope that you have just skimmed this very long post for your name… read the first paragraph and last… etc.. curses! Damn you, Tommy Tutone!

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