The Secret Life of Plants
By Peter Tompkins
I didn’t write last night. Well, the dates are the same but the timing is different… why am I telling you this? You don’t care!! Ok, I’ll just write this one and then do another one for Thursday.
So… uhhh… “today”, at school, the Peta people were at a table handing out stickers and pamphlets that read “KFC Cruelty” “I am not a nugget” and “Does your Food Have a Face?”. And it was all very persuading… but I loves me some chicken. I know how pissed off some people get at Peta. I know one carnitarian that eats only meat and twice of it just to make up for his sister’s veganism. The closest thing he eats to a vegetable is the fried batter on his meaty food. One girl I know went on a huge rant about meat and the stupidity of vegetarians. I don’t really care one way or the other. Whatever lives they are saving by not eating animals they are ending by putting meatpacking employees out of a job and then they’re forced to eat their family pet. They themselves are saved from heart disease but then die from the weight of their own skeleton crushing their frail, malnourished bodies. Good for them. I don’t like to make others’ decisions for them outside the confines of the workplace or my family.
But I do so love messing with them.
I went on a rant to them about how plants are living creatures created by God and even though they don’t have brain stems they certainly feel pain and sadness. Where it only takes a chicken seconds to die it takes a vegetable hours or days to perish. Longer if you freeze ’em. Cruel and unusual, man.
And what about the yeast? It is totally unnecessary to eat yeast! For one thing its a disgusting creature. Its sole purpose is to make bread rise, only for effect. A feat that is accomplished by burning the little buggers alive. I convinced Caitlin that she was responsible for them every time she ate leavened bread. By the way Caitlin, they’re not animals, they’re fungus, so screw ’em, right? They’re not equal on the metaphysical scale with animals or, even lower than animals, we the people.
Strangely enough, Peta should be eating only Pita bread.
Well, I am going to ask Caitlin and Lisa the next time they plan to do the Peta table preaching thing. That way I can show up dressed in a white suit with a southern black bow tie and horn-rimmed glasses, a white mustache, a cane, and three buckets of KFC fried chicken with secret herbs and spices. I can pass out my chicken and talk in a Kentucky accent, ten feet from their table, and preach about the positive sides of meat-eating. Free speech, man. The right to make a complete idiot of myself. Several people have already volunteered to assist me in my asinine goals. I do loves me some chicken, though.
These are short term goals. Long term I’m going to move to Korea where the ethnic norms don’t preclude dog-eating. That is to say, people in America get all bent out of shape and ethnocentric just because they have a different set of beliefs. Can you imagine how the people of India would feel if we opened a McDonald’s there?
Longer term goals: Open a McDonald’s in India.
I mean, I really don’t care. Pork is a dirty animal that carries all kinds of diseases, but thats no reason not to kill it. Its just a reason not to eat it. I’m going to carry a shotgun down to some farms and start picking out the fatter pigs. They aren’t fit for consumption if they’re full of lead. I work for a healthier America. But I loves me some chicken.