Phaaaaantom of the Kazaa is here… inside my mind

I ate at the Hard Rock Cafe today. Why? Because the Hard Rock Cafe is the shiz. Yeah, I’ll stop talking like that, I promise.

The real reason I was there is that I wanted to get rid of a coupon that expires soon. And I have a Hard Rock All Access Card, which is cool. I told a bunch of people that free food was on me. Joel and Scuba Shawn decided to go, but Jenny and Caitlin were like, ‘nah, its too cold out.’  You see, men will not turn down free food, and women will. This is one more reason I do not understand women. I mean… free… and food… what’s not to get?

And we’re eating there, right? We start talking about how VH1 is alright because we like older bands. And MTV was cool for a while and then started to suck. Same with MTV2 only faster. So we thought it would be really cool if the Hard Rock Cafe had their own channel for cable. They do like eighty concerts a month and there are Hard Rock videos from Led Zeppelin to Van Halen to Rage. While sitting there, we saw Aerosmith, Red Hot Chili Peppers, AC/DC, Devo, Duran Duran, Coldplay, Cold, and even the Beastie Boys.

Let me digress to say that the Beastie Boys and Fat Boy Slim should never be allowed in the same room to make a video ever again. Scuba said that if he’d heard that song on the radio he would have crashed due to its stupidity. Now that we’ve seen a video with a powdered wig, a parachute fight, a ninja swordfight, and a fondue recipe, no other music videos seem adequate.

Back to our idea. Well, as we were thinking of writing London or wherever HRC’s corporate offices are, a Kylie Minogue song comes on. For those of you who don’t know, congratulations. Kylie Minogue is fine for playing in gay bars, but it is neither Rock nor is it Hard. In fact, its hardly Cafe. The only redeeming quality of the video is that her dress was about two inches from coot scoot boogie the entire time.

We decided that if this was the sort of crap that HRC was going to resort to, we’d rather deal with MTV2. At least they brought back Headbanger’s ball. At least they play a Gorillaz video every once in a while.

In other news, I am the Kazaa phantom. I just decided that certain porn is creepy and wrong. I know its strange to hear a guy who loves sex with women as much I do say such a thing, but its true. I think it was when I was looking for some innocent, American, wholesome porn, and I found a digitally produced bondage S&M Photoshop JPG of the Olsen twins. Let me make something very clear: THE OLSEN TWINS ARE NOT LEGAL. If you have sexual fantasies about the Olsen Twins, and you yourself are over the age of sixteen, you need to see a doctor about your problems.

1. If you can still remember when they were spouting cute catch phrases on Full House, you shouldn’t be having sexual fantasies concerning them.

2. You are about two steps from Michael Jackson or Kobe Bryant status, friend.

3. Admit you have a problem.

4. Get help.

5. I am listening to “Dancing Machine” by the Jackson 5. I have no idea what this has to do with anything, I just thought that it was eerie that I had just mentioned Michael Jackson and was on number 5 of my list when that song came on. Whatever.

So here’s what I decided to do. I made a whole bunch of JPGs that say things like “you are a sick freak” or “get psychological help” and so forth. Then I put them in my shared folder and labelled them with various celebrities doing various acts of nastiness that I won’t list for the sake of any minors or ladies present. Unless the ladies like that sort of thing. Hey, e-mail me.

Then I decided, why stop there? I made a series of cheap audio recordings with the crappy microphone that came with my computer. Its all me doing various voices and being a general idiot. Its mostly me telling my tales of woe concerning music theft. Then I labelled them with “Gravedigger- Dave Matthews” or “Going Under- Evanescence”. Yeah, I’m a hypocrite. Boo hoo.

Now, I am a filmmaker. So you can expect to see files real soon labelled “Spiderman 2” or “LOTR:ROTK” that are really two hours of me making many pitchers of lemonade, or counting pennies, or just reading a really boring book.

Hey, this is a really good idea to get my legitimate movies out! I gotta do that. Hmm… first I have to make some movies…

Until next time… here’s the quote of the day…

Caitlin: “All this talk about marijuana is making me hungry… for marijuana!”

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